The very recent tragedy of Mumbai has left me shell shocked and very angry.Not that the previous tragedies in various other cities and parts of the world made me feel good, but somehow this time it felt really close to home as my brother was staying at a hotel in that area and managed to make it out of there, unlike so many others who lost their lives so senselessly. I feel very depressed and saddened by the sick state of affairs our country has gotten into.
We seem to take 2 steps forward and 3 steps backwards in terms of being progressive and civilized-so much for being touted as an emerging superpower and what have you.What good are such lofty titles and accolades going to accomplish when a basic right such as the freedom to live is denied to us from time to time and we now live in constant anxiety.
There's a lot of anger in the public about being taken for a ride by the politicians-we are always supposed to be 'resilient' and take everything in our stride. Do we have a choice to be anything but resilient?
We may huff and puff and curse George Bush's policies around the world but the undeniable fact remains that he vowed to not let a repeat of 9/11 happen in America and so far(knock on wood)he's delivered on that promise to the Americans.I say let's take him on as a consultant after he retires from the White House.I mean it-maybe he can give our government the much needed direction and path we so desperately require to protect ourselves from such injustice and atrocities.
There's been a lot of hoo haa about the terrorists being followers of Islam and debates over how the average Muslim can claim that Islam is a religion which condemns attacks on innocent folks.Well, Sadhvi Pragya, Dayanand Pandey, Purohit and their partners in crime aren't Muslims but that doesn't seem to have stopped them from being a blot on Hinduism-a religion which has always been associated with peace and tolerance.
What I would like to see is hordes of responsible Indian citizens and leaders rise above being defensive and condemn such attacks publicly and forcefully, irrespective of whether the terrorists are Hindus, Muslims or whoever.
I believe in a higher power which has created the universe and all of that, but at times such as these my faith in God gets shaken and I start doubting what we've been conditioned to believe-that God knows all, is compassionate and lets good triumph over evil.Not much evidence of that for sure, going by all the suffering, devastation and disharmony.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Women-Persons or Objects?
I read a report in a newspaper recently that 'Sati' is still happening in India. On October 11 of this year, 75 year old Lalmati Verma self immolated on her husband’s funeral pyre. Despite having prepared an entire thesis on Sati and it’s ramifications a few years ago, it still shocks me considerably when I read about such incidents. The article that I read went on to describe how widows are still led to believe (courtesy indoctrination) that there is no life after the husband dies. Apparently, there are women and men in shining and glorious India, who still feel it is appropriate to believe that it does not need courage to burn yourself alive- rather, it takes courage to live on as a widow, especially in rural India.
People guilty of supporting such heinous crimes seek refuge in the ancient Hindu scriptures, misinterpreting them to declare that instead of a woman moving forward after the husband’s death and living on, she must come forward to embrace the fire.
The article also stated an interesting observation-that not many would donate money for the upkeep of a widow but have not batted an eyelid in contributing lakhs for the construction and maintenance of temples in India ‘honouring’ women who have committed Sati. It would be pertinent to mention that the Government has put into place a Prevention of Sati Act which doesn’t deter many people from still going all mushy and religious over Sati temples and women who commit Sati.
Can things get any more degrading than this, I ask? Sorry guys, but I’ve got to ask the same old question yet again-why don’t we have men leaping into funeral pyres for their dead wives and have SOCIETY build cute temples for them too? Heck, even a jaded person like me would contribute a rupee or two if that milestone of ‘reverse discrimination’ were ever to be reached.
The festival of ‘Karva Chauth’ just went by-where women observe a dawn to dusk fast without food or water to appeal to God for the longevity of their husbands and then wash their spouses’ feet in addition to other miscellaneous activities. I wonder why we don’t have customs and rituals in place where the husbands fast and pray for their wives’ good health and longevity, as well.
So much food for thought, we might get indigestion one of these days.
People guilty of supporting such heinous crimes seek refuge in the ancient Hindu scriptures, misinterpreting them to declare that instead of a woman moving forward after the husband’s death and living on, she must come forward to embrace the fire.
The article also stated an interesting observation-that not many would donate money for the upkeep of a widow but have not batted an eyelid in contributing lakhs for the construction and maintenance of temples in India ‘honouring’ women who have committed Sati. It would be pertinent to mention that the Government has put into place a Prevention of Sati Act which doesn’t deter many people from still going all mushy and religious over Sati temples and women who commit Sati.
Can things get any more degrading than this, I ask? Sorry guys, but I’ve got to ask the same old question yet again-why don’t we have men leaping into funeral pyres for their dead wives and have SOCIETY build cute temples for them too? Heck, even a jaded person like me would contribute a rupee or two if that milestone of ‘reverse discrimination’ were ever to be reached.
The festival of ‘Karva Chauth’ just went by-where women observe a dawn to dusk fast without food or water to appeal to God for the longevity of their husbands and then wash their spouses’ feet in addition to other miscellaneous activities. I wonder why we don’t have customs and rituals in place where the husbands fast and pray for their wives’ good health and longevity, as well.
So much food for thought, we might get indigestion one of these days.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Another Dilemma!
The dilemma of growing old is something which touches everyone at some point of our lives-be it growing old ourselves or watching family members grow old. I have often heard debates about having elderly people live in the same house as young folks who have got married and need to start life afresh in a sense, adjusting to each other and all of that.
Invariably there is a clash between the two generations over issues such as who makes the decisions of the day to day running of the home. The parents find it hard to relinquish control over stuff they have always taken care of and the younger lot find it difficult to stomach being told what to do, even once they have entered the phase of matrimony, thereby signaling that one is mature and ready to take on an independent life with all it’s trials and tribulations.
The common complaints are usually about how the parents of the hubby (that’s how it is in most homes in India, isn’t it?) ride roughshod over how the daughter-in-law wishes to manage her home, kitchen etc. A woman is reminded ever so often of her duties as a daughter-in-law. Seldom does one hear about the role of the son or the son-in-law--again the age old refrain that as long as a man earns and gets money home, he’s done his duty. A woman needs to earn as well as take care of chores etc and certainly not be treated as if she is incapable of running her home without the nagging and supervision of the mom-in-law.
Now we try to get to the solution-why can’t we just accept that it is in everyone’s best interests for the older and younger generations to live separately? I quite like the system of the ‘West’ where everyone earns during their productive years so that they stash away enough to retire to an old age home with decent facilities and where their children can come visit. Familiarity can definitely breed contempt, especially in matters related to one’s in-laws! In Utopia, all would be well and gung ho but it doesn’t quite happen that way in reality-unfortunately, reality tells us otherwise.
Therefore, instead of just sticking it out under one roof to display how ‘close knit’ one is as a family to SOCIETY, it is far more sensible to have warm, cordial relations with in-laws and other relatives by living close by maybe, but not in the same house, as far as possible. The idea is to be able to assist each other in times of need and yet maintain some necessary boundaries for the sake of sanity and a decent quality of life.
It’s time we learn to appreciate and pick up the good aspects of the West rather than ape it in matters which have not worked for them and won’t work for us either, such as drugs, boozing, promiscuity, obesity and so on and so forth. Somewhere we have to be able to shed this ‘Indian obsession’ about trying to get everyone to live under one roof even if the inmates end up pretty much hating each other.
Invariably there is a clash between the two generations over issues such as who makes the decisions of the day to day running of the home. The parents find it hard to relinquish control over stuff they have always taken care of and the younger lot find it difficult to stomach being told what to do, even once they have entered the phase of matrimony, thereby signaling that one is mature and ready to take on an independent life with all it’s trials and tribulations.
The common complaints are usually about how the parents of the hubby (that’s how it is in most homes in India, isn’t it?) ride roughshod over how the daughter-in-law wishes to manage her home, kitchen etc. A woman is reminded ever so often of her duties as a daughter-in-law. Seldom does one hear about the role of the son or the son-in-law--again the age old refrain that as long as a man earns and gets money home, he’s done his duty. A woman needs to earn as well as take care of chores etc and certainly not be treated as if she is incapable of running her home without the nagging and supervision of the mom-in-law.
Now we try to get to the solution-why can’t we just accept that it is in everyone’s best interests for the older and younger generations to live separately? I quite like the system of the ‘West’ where everyone earns during their productive years so that they stash away enough to retire to an old age home with decent facilities and where their children can come visit. Familiarity can definitely breed contempt, especially in matters related to one’s in-laws! In Utopia, all would be well and gung ho but it doesn’t quite happen that way in reality-unfortunately, reality tells us otherwise.
Therefore, instead of just sticking it out under one roof to display how ‘close knit’ one is as a family to SOCIETY, it is far more sensible to have warm, cordial relations with in-laws and other relatives by living close by maybe, but not in the same house, as far as possible. The idea is to be able to assist each other in times of need and yet maintain some necessary boundaries for the sake of sanity and a decent quality of life.
It’s time we learn to appreciate and pick up the good aspects of the West rather than ape it in matters which have not worked for them and won’t work for us either, such as drugs, boozing, promiscuity, obesity and so on and so forth. Somewhere we have to be able to shed this ‘Indian obsession’ about trying to get everyone to live under one roof even if the inmates end up pretty much hating each other.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Dilemma of the Immigrant
I've often read and heard about the ecstasy and the pain of people who make that leap of faith and migrate to another country.It may not seem like a big deal to begin with, with all the initial euphoria and activity happening, but when one starts living life afresh in a new country, I guess the trials and tribulations come to the 'fore by and by.
Usually people move from one's home country in search of greener pastures which mainly would mean the economic component of one's life I guess. However, adjusting to a different language, culture,way of life is a big deal for most. Usually the ones who make it there when they are younger, for instance before they are in their twenties,adapt faster and the integration process seems to be more seamless.After that, it can get tougher with more hiccups in terms of culture shock, bringing up kids with a decent blend of values inherited from the birth country and the new country.Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The children often bear the brunt of it while trying to cope with the old and the new simultaneously.
This makes me think, as many random things do-does it make more sense to just shed one's old ways and jump into a new life, embracing whatever it has to offer-kinda like do in Rome what the Romans do(have no clue what the right phrase is)-'cause the more one dithers and tries to get the right fit and blend of the old and new scenarios and all of that, it takes it's toll on one's emotional equilibrium.It's almost like trying to convince oneself that one is still the same old person, just that the physical boundaries of one's residence have changed.There is often a concerted effort to cook, eat, pray, talk in the same fashion that one used to and the thought that somehow if one abandoned all of that, it would amount to being a traitor to one's birth country.
All in all, I have often felt that the life of an immigrant is far more complex than it appears to be-once you get past the glitz and glamour, there are some pretty strong undercurrents of adjustment issues, which lead me to conclude that it's perhaps not all that it's cracked up to be.How else would one explain the inexplicable longing people have, after living many years abroad,to get back and enjoy the twilight years amidst people who eat,talk,pray and behave like oneself? What I ponder over is-why can't we completely and irrevocably give ourselves up to the new land and become one with it in every sense of the word? I don't have an answer to that yet-the more one delves into the human psyche, one realizes there is a whole world in there to explore-amazingly fascinating.
Usually people move from one's home country in search of greener pastures which mainly would mean the economic component of one's life I guess. However, adjusting to a different language, culture,way of life is a big deal for most. Usually the ones who make it there when they are younger, for instance before they are in their twenties,adapt faster and the integration process seems to be more seamless.After that, it can get tougher with more hiccups in terms of culture shock, bringing up kids with a decent blend of values inherited from the birth country and the new country.Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The children often bear the brunt of it while trying to cope with the old and the new simultaneously.
This makes me think, as many random things do-does it make more sense to just shed one's old ways and jump into a new life, embracing whatever it has to offer-kinda like do in Rome what the Romans do(have no clue what the right phrase is)-'cause the more one dithers and tries to get the right fit and blend of the old and new scenarios and all of that, it takes it's toll on one's emotional equilibrium.It's almost like trying to convince oneself that one is still the same old person, just that the physical boundaries of one's residence have changed.There is often a concerted effort to cook, eat, pray, talk in the same fashion that one used to and the thought that somehow if one abandoned all of that, it would amount to being a traitor to one's birth country.
All in all, I have often felt that the life of an immigrant is far more complex than it appears to be-once you get past the glitz and glamour, there are some pretty strong undercurrents of adjustment issues, which lead me to conclude that it's perhaps not all that it's cracked up to be.How else would one explain the inexplicable longing people have, after living many years abroad,to get back and enjoy the twilight years amidst people who eat,talk,pray and behave like oneself? What I ponder over is-why can't we completely and irrevocably give ourselves up to the new land and become one with it in every sense of the word? I don't have an answer to that yet-the more one delves into the human psyche, one realizes there is a whole world in there to explore-amazingly fascinating.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Caste system: enough is ENOUGH
Gajanan Khergamker writes in today's Times of India in the article titled 'Great laws, if they are implemented', that "in the interiors of vibrant, 'rich' Gujarat-in the impoverished Panchmahals and Dangs, zamindari and the ignoble caste system continue to rule the roost...immediately on the heels of 'Kem cho' or 'How do you do?' follows a customary 'Tame shi naath na' or What caste do you belong to?'...The protection of Civil Rights Act, 1955 that prevents the practice of untouchability...is unheard of in these quarters.In urban India where the rule of law is more visible, oddly it is the educated who continue to break the law while offering lame excuses."
There are several issues which get me all hot and bothered under the collar-and yes, the horrific caste system prevalent in India galls me no end. Whatever the noble and practical intentions may have been, to put such a system in place, it amazes me how people are still gloating over and flaunting their 'castes' in every manner possible, be it for marriages, jobs and so on.
When I read about 'upper castes' preventing 'lower castes' from entering and worshiping in religious places, Dalits being harassed, molested, raped, insulted and ostracized because they are still considered the lowermost strata of society, it makes me wonder at the sheer shamelessness and audacity of 'society'. And sad to say, it's not just the uneducated folks indulging in such nonsense-the so called educated, literate lot are proudly and boldly carrying forward these 'traditions' by indulging in such behaviour and worse, inculcating these pathetic values in the coming generations as well.
We love criticizing and sensationalizing all that is wrong and unjust in other societies and religions, but are we looking inwards and assessing the emotional, psychological and physical degradation that we are causing and perpetuating? Let's get our own house in order before preaching what others should or shouldn't do. I for one, in my own little way, have decided that if anyone asks me a question about which caste I belong to, which they so love doing in India-the answer is going to be a curt 'scheduled caste/scheduled tribe category'. I am very keen to see and analyze how this reply would change the dynamics of my social interaction with people.
How do you plan to deal with removing these mean, inhuman practices which operate under the guise of the 'caste system'?
There are several issues which get me all hot and bothered under the collar-and yes, the horrific caste system prevalent in India galls me no end. Whatever the noble and practical intentions may have been, to put such a system in place, it amazes me how people are still gloating over and flaunting their 'castes' in every manner possible, be it for marriages, jobs and so on.
When I read about 'upper castes' preventing 'lower castes' from entering and worshiping in religious places, Dalits being harassed, molested, raped, insulted and ostracized because they are still considered the lowermost strata of society, it makes me wonder at the sheer shamelessness and audacity of 'society'. And sad to say, it's not just the uneducated folks indulging in such nonsense-the so called educated, literate lot are proudly and boldly carrying forward these 'traditions' by indulging in such behaviour and worse, inculcating these pathetic values in the coming generations as well.
We love criticizing and sensationalizing all that is wrong and unjust in other societies and religions, but are we looking inwards and assessing the emotional, psychological and physical degradation that we are causing and perpetuating? Let's get our own house in order before preaching what others should or shouldn't do. I for one, in my own little way, have decided that if anyone asks me a question about which caste I belong to, which they so love doing in India-the answer is going to be a curt 'scheduled caste/scheduled tribe category'. I am very keen to see and analyze how this reply would change the dynamics of my social interaction with people.
How do you plan to deal with removing these mean, inhuman practices which operate under the guise of the 'caste system'?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Walk the Talk
Break from tradition: Shia woman solemnizes nikah
(14 Aug 2008, 0327 hrs IST, Manajri Mishra,TNN)
LUCKNOW: 'A Shia woman solemnizing marriage of a Sunni couple. If that was not enough, the nikah that made Lucknow sit up in disbelief, was to have only women as witnesses. Twenty-nine could be a trifle young to make history, but then Naish Hasan, an economics post-graduate and a womens' rights activist managed to do it within half-an-hour on Monday night by opting for an "all- women" nikah even as maulvis scoffed and scowled in the background.
"Someone has to make a beginning and break the shackles of male dominance in Islam. I have volunteered," Naish told TOI. "I consider myself fortunate for there are not many who can practise what they preach," she added. "This is a message I want to send across to young girls and a protest I want to lodge against subjugation of women."
Her conditions were no less unusual. "I have told Imran I will not dress up as a traditional bride. There will be no vidai; there will be no barat and no dowry will be given," she said. The nikahnama she proudly displayed, categorically mentioned that the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq at a sitting and the wife will also have a right to pronounce talaq if she so desired. "My humble attempt to demolish the patriarchal mind set," she smiled. "Don't expect any frills. It will be a simple ceremony," she had forewarned. So the only concession Naish made for the occasion was donning an embroidered maroon sari.
Surrounded by co-workers from Tahrir and Indian Muslim Women Movement, she looked a little edgy when Sayda Hamid, member, Planning Commission and her role model who was to double up as a maulvi for the D-day, got a little delayed. Groom Imran, a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, looked a little lost yet contented. And some of the guests were betting if Naish would cover her head or not at the ceremony.
Hamid began by reading out Qoranic verses about equality among mates and sanctity of the union. All murmuring stopped and in the pin-drop silence she asked the man and the wife to be if they accepted a 'meher' set for Rs 51,000? They both loudly declared their acceptance as cameras rolled and flashbulbs popped. The only deviation was adding a male witness to the all womens' club. This was necessitated with the clerics' pronouncement that the nikah would be null and void if not witnessed by a man. As per her conditions, Naish will not leave her city and keep working.
Having a woman officiating at the nikah is "impractical and therefore not advisable", said Maulana Khalid Rashid, a cleric from Firangi Mahal of Lucknow.'
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My take on this incident: I am so in awe of people who walk the talk. This is the only way that SOCIETY can change in meaningful ways. I salute you, Naish and Imran.
(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-3362620,prtpage-1.cms)
(14 Aug 2008, 0327 hrs IST, Manajri Mishra,TNN)
LUCKNOW: 'A Shia woman solemnizing marriage of a Sunni couple. If that was not enough, the nikah that made Lucknow sit up in disbelief, was to have only women as witnesses. Twenty-nine could be a trifle young to make history, but then Naish Hasan, an economics post-graduate and a womens' rights activist managed to do it within half-an-hour on Monday night by opting for an "all- women" nikah even as maulvis scoffed and scowled in the background.
"Someone has to make a beginning and break the shackles of male dominance in Islam. I have volunteered," Naish told TOI. "I consider myself fortunate for there are not many who can practise what they preach," she added. "This is a message I want to send across to young girls and a protest I want to lodge against subjugation of women."
Her conditions were no less unusual. "I have told Imran I will not dress up as a traditional bride. There will be no vidai; there will be no barat and no dowry will be given," she said. The nikahnama she proudly displayed, categorically mentioned that the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq at a sitting and the wife will also have a right to pronounce talaq if she so desired. "My humble attempt to demolish the patriarchal mind set," she smiled. "Don't expect any frills. It will be a simple ceremony," she had forewarned. So the only concession Naish made for the occasion was donning an embroidered maroon sari.
Surrounded by co-workers from Tahrir and Indian Muslim Women Movement, she looked a little edgy when Sayda Hamid, member, Planning Commission and her role model who was to double up as a maulvi for the D-day, got a little delayed. Groom Imran, a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, looked a little lost yet contented. And some of the guests were betting if Naish would cover her head or not at the ceremony.
Hamid began by reading out Qoranic verses about equality among mates and sanctity of the union. All murmuring stopped and in the pin-drop silence she asked the man and the wife to be if they accepted a 'meher' set for Rs 51,000? They both loudly declared their acceptance as cameras rolled and flashbulbs popped. The only deviation was adding a male witness to the all womens' club. This was necessitated with the clerics' pronouncement that the nikah would be null and void if not witnessed by a man. As per her conditions, Naish will not leave her city and keep working.
Having a woman officiating at the nikah is "impractical and therefore not advisable", said Maulana Khalid Rashid, a cleric from Firangi Mahal of Lucknow.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this incident: I am so in awe of people who walk the talk. This is the only way that SOCIETY can change in meaningful ways. I salute you, Naish and Imran.
(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-3362620,prtpage-1.cms)
If it's being written about, it's happenin' !
What to Do When You Don't Like Your Mother-In-Law
How to tell the truth nicely when your mother-in-law starts acting like, well, family.
By The Nest Editors
'We get this question a lot: "Is it ever okay to tell my husband that I hate his mother?" Our answer — every single time — is "don't!" You don't have to keep your feelings bottled up inside, but you do need to be careful with your words. You can say something like, "I'm just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine." Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there's just a closeness you feel with your own kin.
But if there's something your mother-in-law is doing that's consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse about what's going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, "I don't want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don't want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me."
It's possible that he's going to be oblivious at first. He'll think that there's no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you're in the picture; some passive-aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior could be happening, and one of you might need to say something.
Once he's been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you're all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is — and stick up for you when needed.
Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger, stronger person and see his mom in a new light. We promise, it's much sexier this way.'
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My take on this:the 4th line from the bottom says "and stick up for you when needed". Is this a utopian concept, wishful thinking or does it really happen?
(http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518888>1=32023)
How to tell the truth nicely when your mother-in-law starts acting like, well, family.
By The Nest Editors
'We get this question a lot: "Is it ever okay to tell my husband that I hate his mother?" Our answer — every single time — is "don't!" You don't have to keep your feelings bottled up inside, but you do need to be careful with your words. You can say something like, "I'm just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine." Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there's just a closeness you feel with your own kin.
But if there's something your mother-in-law is doing that's consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse about what's going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, "I don't want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don't want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me."
It's possible that he's going to be oblivious at first. He'll think that there's no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you're in the picture; some passive-aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior could be happening, and one of you might need to say something.
Once he's been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you're all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is — and stick up for you when needed.
Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger, stronger person and see his mom in a new light. We promise, it's much sexier this way.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this:the 4th line from the bottom says "and stick up for you when needed". Is this a utopian concept, wishful thinking or does it really happen?
(http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518888>1=32023)
Alcohol and Tobacco-So Not Cool
Two substances that I feel very strongly about. I intensely dislike the imbibing of alcohol and tobacco, whether it is done in the private confines of one's home or at a social gathering. The most I can tolerate is someone, anyone having a drink once or twice a year in my presence, though ideally a teetotlar is what really rocks my boat. And as for smoking, I'd rather do without that person in my life than have to suffer passive smoking. It annoys me no end when people light up without so much as a passing thought to the people around and their discomfort.
I feel the hatred for alcohol has been festering ever since I had this weird experience when I was about 24 years of age. I was visiting a lady(aunty!) living across our home-my family knew her husband's older brother and family for years so in the Indian context that was as good as knowing these folks well too. The 'uncle', educated, polished soul that he was, had apparantly imbibed the 'good' stuff a bit too freely and no sooner had his wife gone into the kitchen to get me something to drink/eat, he lunged at me and tried to plant a nasty, stinky kiss on my cheek, muttering something along the lines of how 'beautiful' I was.Yeah, right. He would have said that to a cow (maybe not-gau hamari maata hai, remember?) as well so long as he could fondle it/her, whatever.
I was all 'shook up' as Elvis would have described it and I gathered all my strength and shoved him off-thank the good Lord that 'aunty' got back upon which 'uncle' just vanished from the room, which tells me that even in his stupor he knew he had done something unpardonable.
I hurriedly gulped down the drink (not alcohol!) and much to her bewilderment, did the vanishing act myself.I gathered the courage to tell my mother about it several weeks later, when she asked me to accompany her to their place. I don't remember ever going to their home again. And I do need to mention that whenever 'Uncleji' and I would cross paths briefly, being neighbors, he would not look me in the eye, ever-how could he? He had two sons who were closer to my age, for God's sake.
I am very wary and suspicious of folks who drink. There are some who claim that they know how to 'hold' a drink-well, I am not interested in testing that. Any substance which makes you lose your sensibilities and social graces is not worth accommodating, as far as I'm concerned. I have noticed that even one drink down the hatch and the person becomes a bit too happy and loose tongued for my comfort.
I actually had a boss years ago, who told my lady colleagues and me at an official 'do' that we could be more effective as officers if we drank liquor at social events-to prove we were sporting and 'with it' and all of that. The creepy guy actually then asked us to drink and of course there were some who readily gave in, all in the line of 'duty'. I failed the test miserably as usual! He hated my guts as long as I worked with him-I probably reminded him of his ineffectiveness!
And as a closing note, I feel that people who smoke are so not cool-such blatant disregard for their health is astonishing.
I feel the hatred for alcohol has been festering ever since I had this weird experience when I was about 24 years of age. I was visiting a lady(aunty!) living across our home-my family knew her husband's older brother and family for years so in the Indian context that was as good as knowing these folks well too. The 'uncle', educated, polished soul that he was, had apparantly imbibed the 'good' stuff a bit too freely and no sooner had his wife gone into the kitchen to get me something to drink/eat, he lunged at me and tried to plant a nasty, stinky kiss on my cheek, muttering something along the lines of how 'beautiful' I was.Yeah, right. He would have said that to a cow (maybe not-gau hamari maata hai, remember?) as well so long as he could fondle it/her, whatever.
I was all 'shook up' as Elvis would have described it and I gathered all my strength and shoved him off-thank the good Lord that 'aunty' got back upon which 'uncle' just vanished from the room, which tells me that even in his stupor he knew he had done something unpardonable.
I hurriedly gulped down the drink (not alcohol!) and much to her bewilderment, did the vanishing act myself.I gathered the courage to tell my mother about it several weeks later, when she asked me to accompany her to their place. I don't remember ever going to their home again. And I do need to mention that whenever 'Uncleji' and I would cross paths briefly, being neighbors, he would not look me in the eye, ever-how could he? He had two sons who were closer to my age, for God's sake.
I am very wary and suspicious of folks who drink. There are some who claim that they know how to 'hold' a drink-well, I am not interested in testing that. Any substance which makes you lose your sensibilities and social graces is not worth accommodating, as far as I'm concerned. I have noticed that even one drink down the hatch and the person becomes a bit too happy and loose tongued for my comfort.
I actually had a boss years ago, who told my lady colleagues and me at an official 'do' that we could be more effective as officers if we drank liquor at social events-to prove we were sporting and 'with it' and all of that. The creepy guy actually then asked us to drink and of course there were some who readily gave in, all in the line of 'duty'. I failed the test miserably as usual! He hated my guts as long as I worked with him-I probably reminded him of his ineffectiveness!
And as a closing note, I feel that people who smoke are so not cool-such blatant disregard for their health is astonishing.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Tips most of us could use
' 8 Marriage Ruts: Are You In One?
Whether you've been married for three months or three years, here's how to get out of routines that hurt your relationship.(By The Nest Editors)
Rut #1: Watching TV During Dinner.
Why it's bad: Having dinner together offers valuable face time with your partner. Turning on the tube competes for attention and cuts in on your time to catch up and connect after so many hours spent apart.
How to stop: Set aside 30 to 45 minutes of one-on-one talk time with the TV off every night. This shows your spouse that when you're not at work, you're devoted to your home and family. During this time, ignore your phone and leave the BlackBerry in another room. You'll feel closer within days.
Rut #2: Going Too Long Without Sex.
Why it's bad: If the amount of sex you're used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.
How to stop: Don't wait until you feel like doing it. Initiate sex when you're open to doing it, rather than when you have the desire. This will jump-start your feelings so you'll crave it more often.
Rut #3: Going a Whole Workday Without Talking to Your Sweetheart.
Why it's bad: You'll start growing apart emotionally after subconsciously feeling like the other person doesn't think about you (and your needs) during the day.
How to stop: Initiate daily contact by sending a quick "How's your day?" email. And make the effort to do something nice every day (pick up his fave dessert, call from the store to see if she needs something). It shows forethought and consideration for your partner's needs.
Rut #4: Tuning Each Other Out.
Why it's bad: You're disengaging from each other.
How to stop: Make an effort to do small things such as kissing before saying good-bye, making eye contact when talking, and complimenting each other frequently throughout the week. Does he not seem to hear you talking during certain times (ahem, when ESPN is on)? Don't try to make conversation while the TV is on. If it's important, press mute; otherwise, save conversations for dinner or your bedroom, where you're less likely to be interrupted.
Rut #5: Not Fighting.
Why it's bad: Disagreements are good in a marriage because you're expressing your individuality. Talking about issues when they first happen makes them easier to fix than if you wait until after they've festered.
How to stop: Bring up what's on your mind in a way that shows your admiration and respect for each other's thoughts and feelings. Like, "It hurts my feelings when ______. I was hoping we could figure out a new way to handle the situation together." This will set the tone of the conversation as loving and calm, but you both have to compromise to keep it that way.
Rut #6: Going out More with Friends Than with Your Spouse.
Why it's bad: It sends the message that your friends are more worthy of your time.
How to stop: Schedule nights out with your crew a few times a month, but make sure to let your partner know in advance. It's important to have these friendships as long as they don't make your married time sparse. And it's always best that these friends are people your partner knows and trusts, so there's less reason to worry.
Rut #7: Being Too Close.
Why it's bad: As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you're leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you.
How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn't do it in front of your work friends, don't do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: "I know we're close, and we can share everything, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It's not very sexy, and I don't want anything that makes you less sexy to me."
Rut #8: Sharing Too Much with Your Parents or In-laws.
Why it's bad: This shows a lack of loyalty to your spouse. Your parents shouldn't have any information that your spouse doesn't have. And they shouldn't know anything he wouldn't want them to know.
How to stop: Be loyal to your spouse even when she's not present. If you wouldn't say something in front of her, don't say it at all. You would want the same in return.'
-Dr. Susan Fletcher is a licensed psychologist in private practice and the author of Parenting in the Smart Zone:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518886>1=32023
Whether you've been married for three months or three years, here's how to get out of routines that hurt your relationship.(By The Nest Editors)
Rut #1: Watching TV During Dinner.
Why it's bad: Having dinner together offers valuable face time with your partner. Turning on the tube competes for attention and cuts in on your time to catch up and connect after so many hours spent apart.
How to stop: Set aside 30 to 45 minutes of one-on-one talk time with the TV off every night. This shows your spouse that when you're not at work, you're devoted to your home and family. During this time, ignore your phone and leave the BlackBerry in another room. You'll feel closer within days.
Rut #2: Going Too Long Without Sex.
Why it's bad: If the amount of sex you're used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.
How to stop: Don't wait until you feel like doing it. Initiate sex when you're open to doing it, rather than when you have the desire. This will jump-start your feelings so you'll crave it more often.
Rut #3: Going a Whole Workday Without Talking to Your Sweetheart.
Why it's bad: You'll start growing apart emotionally after subconsciously feeling like the other person doesn't think about you (and your needs) during the day.
How to stop: Initiate daily contact by sending a quick "How's your day?" email. And make the effort to do something nice every day (pick up his fave dessert, call from the store to see if she needs something). It shows forethought and consideration for your partner's needs.
Rut #4: Tuning Each Other Out.
Why it's bad: You're disengaging from each other.
How to stop: Make an effort to do small things such as kissing before saying good-bye, making eye contact when talking, and complimenting each other frequently throughout the week. Does he not seem to hear you talking during certain times (ahem, when ESPN is on)? Don't try to make conversation while the TV is on. If it's important, press mute; otherwise, save conversations for dinner or your bedroom, where you're less likely to be interrupted.
Rut #5: Not Fighting.
Why it's bad: Disagreements are good in a marriage because you're expressing your individuality. Talking about issues when they first happen makes them easier to fix than if you wait until after they've festered.
How to stop: Bring up what's on your mind in a way that shows your admiration and respect for each other's thoughts and feelings. Like, "It hurts my feelings when ______. I was hoping we could figure out a new way to handle the situation together." This will set the tone of the conversation as loving and calm, but you both have to compromise to keep it that way.
Rut #6: Going out More with Friends Than with Your Spouse.
Why it's bad: It sends the message that your friends are more worthy of your time.
How to stop: Schedule nights out with your crew a few times a month, but make sure to let your partner know in advance. It's important to have these friendships as long as they don't make your married time sparse. And it's always best that these friends are people your partner knows and trusts, so there's less reason to worry.
Rut #7: Being Too Close.
Why it's bad: As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you're leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you.
How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn't do it in front of your work friends, don't do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: "I know we're close, and we can share everything, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It's not very sexy, and I don't want anything that makes you less sexy to me."
Rut #8: Sharing Too Much with Your Parents or In-laws.
Why it's bad: This shows a lack of loyalty to your spouse. Your parents shouldn't have any information that your spouse doesn't have. And they shouldn't know anything he wouldn't want them to know.
How to stop: Be loyal to your spouse even when she's not present. If you wouldn't say something in front of her, don't say it at all. You would want the same in return.'
-Dr. Susan Fletcher is a licensed psychologist in private practice and the author of Parenting in the Smart Zone:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518886>1=32023
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Widowhood-The End of the Road?
In India, when the husband passes on, the grief is bad enough without having to take on the ghastly customs and rituals to 'honor' the dead.
Even if you don't feel like shrieking and wailing to express your grief, the people gathered around make such a ruckus that the whole atmosphere gets polluted and 'unsacrosanct'(not sure if it's a proper word) not to mention the guilt which surfaces 'cause you're not howling like you're expected to. I tell you, SOCIETY's expectations can kill you! And then they'll howl for you.
Jokes apart, everybody grieves in their own way and time and to expect everyone to respond in a set fashion is being very insensitive and abrasive to the person/s concerned.
I watched in horror, when a few years ago, a lady lost her husband and she had three children ranging from ages 9 to 16 to look after. Her relatives insisted that she remove her nose ring, bangles, wear dreary looking clothes, and was then made to sit at the center of a large group of wailing women. Her husband had gifted her the gold bangles she was wearing, just a few weeks before he died and she just couldn't bring herself to remove them. Rather than being supportive, they insisted that the bangles be removed and someone enthusiastically rushed off to get pliers which were then used to cut them off her wrists. Never have I been more aghast and speechless.
Is observing a 'custom' more important then the feelings of the person concerned? When I voiced my strong criticism subsequently to her family members, I was matter of factly informed that there is no other way and what happened had to be done.
When a man dies, obviously he is not subject to such inhumane practices, 'cause if you've read my previous post, he lives footloose and fancy free even when he's married. See how life is simple when you don't crowd the woman with embellishments when she's married so that she doesn't have to go through the humiliation of being stripped of them when she becomes a widow.
Why is it so important to announce to the world that she's a widow? She's expected to wear white/light colored clothes henceforth. There are some communities in which the widow still has to have her locks shorn off, wear a sheet of cloth draped across her body without a blouse, eat veg(ah, again the veg angle emerges) food, and generally make an effort to look as unappealing and unattractive as possible to the male species lest they devour her! Hello, once again the lopsided logic that a man can't control his libido, so he would lunge at a widow given the slightest opportunity.There is an assumption by SOCIETY that a man lacks basic self control and niceties to exist in a dignified manner and that he would leap towards the nearest person who remotely resembles a woman.
When a man becomes a widower, his appearance and lifestyle remain the same- there are no expectations for him to become celibate, eat veg food, dress in white and so on.
I remember when my father passed on, my relatives insisted that my mother wear white for the various ceremonies around the time of his passing. I don't know where I gathered the strength and courage to tell the young and old fogies that she would NOT do so, as my father would never have wanted her to, being the person that he was. They were scandalized and probably muttered amongst themselves about my being obstinate and disrespectful-but I couldn't have cared less. I got her to wear a saree which my father had gifted her and sat besides her all the while to ensure she wasn't harassed any more. I was then told I can't go to the funeral site as 'women' aren't allowed to. Do I come across as someone who cared about what they said? I had been enormously close to my father and wild horses couldn't have kept me away. Finally, I was 'allowed' to attend the last rites alongwith an aunt as a chaperone.
People, we have to wake up and start treating women as persons, not objects or pawns to shove around at will. And by people I mean both men and women. Yes, there are enough women who commit atrocities against other women.
Even if you don't feel like shrieking and wailing to express your grief, the people gathered around make such a ruckus that the whole atmosphere gets polluted and 'unsacrosanct'(not sure if it's a proper word) not to mention the guilt which surfaces 'cause you're not howling like you're expected to. I tell you, SOCIETY's expectations can kill you! And then they'll howl for you.
Jokes apart, everybody grieves in their own way and time and to expect everyone to respond in a set fashion is being very insensitive and abrasive to the person/s concerned.
I watched in horror, when a few years ago, a lady lost her husband and she had three children ranging from ages 9 to 16 to look after. Her relatives insisted that she remove her nose ring, bangles, wear dreary looking clothes, and was then made to sit at the center of a large group of wailing women. Her husband had gifted her the gold bangles she was wearing, just a few weeks before he died and she just couldn't bring herself to remove them. Rather than being supportive, they insisted that the bangles be removed and someone enthusiastically rushed off to get pliers which were then used to cut them off her wrists. Never have I been more aghast and speechless.
Is observing a 'custom' more important then the feelings of the person concerned? When I voiced my strong criticism subsequently to her family members, I was matter of factly informed that there is no other way and what happened had to be done.
When a man dies, obviously he is not subject to such inhumane practices, 'cause if you've read my previous post, he lives footloose and fancy free even when he's married. See how life is simple when you don't crowd the woman with embellishments when she's married so that she doesn't have to go through the humiliation of being stripped of them when she becomes a widow.
Why is it so important to announce to the world that she's a widow? She's expected to wear white/light colored clothes henceforth. There are some communities in which the widow still has to have her locks shorn off, wear a sheet of cloth draped across her body without a blouse, eat veg(ah, again the veg angle emerges) food, and generally make an effort to look as unappealing and unattractive as possible to the male species lest they devour her! Hello, once again the lopsided logic that a man can't control his libido, so he would lunge at a widow given the slightest opportunity.There is an assumption by SOCIETY that a man lacks basic self control and niceties to exist in a dignified manner and that he would leap towards the nearest person who remotely resembles a woman.
When a man becomes a widower, his appearance and lifestyle remain the same- there are no expectations for him to become celibate, eat veg food, dress in white and so on.
I remember when my father passed on, my relatives insisted that my mother wear white for the various ceremonies around the time of his passing. I don't know where I gathered the strength and courage to tell the young and old fogies that she would NOT do so, as my father would never have wanted her to, being the person that he was. They were scandalized and probably muttered amongst themselves about my being obstinate and disrespectful-but I couldn't have cared less. I got her to wear a saree which my father had gifted her and sat besides her all the while to ensure she wasn't harassed any more. I was then told I can't go to the funeral site as 'women' aren't allowed to. Do I come across as someone who cared about what they said? I had been enormously close to my father and wild horses couldn't have kept me away. Finally, I was 'allowed' to attend the last rites alongwith an aunt as a chaperone.
People, we have to wake up and start treating women as persons, not objects or pawns to shove around at will. And by people I mean both men and women. Yes, there are enough women who commit atrocities against other women.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Footloose and Fancy Free?
I have often pondered over this custom that we have in place in India, where the woman, as soon as she's married, starts exhibiting signs of her new status-such as, wearing sindoor(vermillion), bindi( dot) on the forehead, anklets, brightly colored bangles, toe rings, finger rings, necklaces, fancier clothes, hands and feet adorned with henna and so on and so forth. However the man usually has no external symbol or display to give away the fact that he's got hitched 'officially'. Why is that? If marriagehood is to be announced and celebrated, then why not by both?
The woman's adornments and fancy finery become such a matter of pride and prestige in most households that looking simple and 'unmarried' is sacrilege and considered inauspicious by society. There are women who have seen these customs being observed by other women as they were growing up and so embrace the dressing up wholeheartedly-good for them if that's what makes them happy. And then there are other women-no prizes for guessing which category I belong to!
I have always liked dressing tastefully and in an understated manner(no bells, whistles and christmas lights on me please). I have been reprimanded on a few(make that several) occasions that my dress sense is out of whack and that it is a requirement(once again, SOCIETY) to look like a christmas tree at times, to prove that one lives above the poverty line, so to speak. It's a different matter that the policing and chastising hasn't worked so far and now that I'm heading towards middle age, (or am I already there?) my blatant disregard for what others say and think in such matters is pretty evident by my appearance!
Such a great deal of fuss and bother about how women look, behave and the men go scot free, lucky blokes. It's not just the women who want other women to toe the line (it's like, I'm going through it, so should you!) the men too seem to have an enormous stake in having their spouses look 'married' while they happily pass off as footloose and fancy free. Wonder why? A sense of propriety, ownership, insecurity perhaps towards 'their' women? A visible stamp to assert that she's 'taken'?
I feel that the West is more equitable in this matter. There is a great deal of pride and ceremony attached to the wedding ring which is worn by both women and men. The message being loud and clear-I'm hooked and so are ya! I don't recall seeing any other visible signs of being married, be it woman or man. While I'm fine with the ring bit for both, I'm all for the 'natural' look too-no need for any 'marital' display.
The woman's adornments and fancy finery become such a matter of pride and prestige in most households that looking simple and 'unmarried' is sacrilege and considered inauspicious by society. There are women who have seen these customs being observed by other women as they were growing up and so embrace the dressing up wholeheartedly-good for them if that's what makes them happy. And then there are other women-no prizes for guessing which category I belong to!
I have always liked dressing tastefully and in an understated manner(no bells, whistles and christmas lights on me please). I have been reprimanded on a few(make that several) occasions that my dress sense is out of whack and that it is a requirement(once again, SOCIETY) to look like a christmas tree at times, to prove that one lives above the poverty line, so to speak. It's a different matter that the policing and chastising hasn't worked so far and now that I'm heading towards middle age, (or am I already there?) my blatant disregard for what others say and think in such matters is pretty evident by my appearance!
Such a great deal of fuss and bother about how women look, behave and the men go scot free, lucky blokes. It's not just the women who want other women to toe the line (it's like, I'm going through it, so should you!) the men too seem to have an enormous stake in having their spouses look 'married' while they happily pass off as footloose and fancy free. Wonder why? A sense of propriety, ownership, insecurity perhaps towards 'their' women? A visible stamp to assert that she's 'taken'?
I feel that the West is more equitable in this matter. There is a great deal of pride and ceremony attached to the wedding ring which is worn by both women and men. The message being loud and clear-I'm hooked and so are ya! I don't recall seeing any other visible signs of being married, be it woman or man. While I'm fine with the ring bit for both, I'm all for the 'natural' look too-no need for any 'marital' display.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Women and Men-vive la difference!
God gave a woman curves, as in mammary glands to feed children and broad hips to facilitate child bearing. Right at the very outset, let me clarify that this is not a post intended to titillate readers or generate CTs(cheap thrills). This is a serious post about something which has been on my mind for awhile.
A man and woman look different externally and we all know that a woman looks more shapely than a man as that is the way God intended us to be for reasons stated above.It is not that women asked to be designed this way. However the manner in which society has made a woman's 'modesty' such a grave issue puzzles and worries me. Is it the patriarchal system at play once again?
Let me elaborate. A woman is considered demure, nice, well brought up and bursting with morals when she dresses to keep her curves under wraps, be it in the form of loose fitting clothes or even fully covered as is prevalent in many cultures(Ghunghat, hijab etc). Her 'womanliness' or 'izzat' is to be kept out of sight so that menfolk(other than those who are allowed to!) are not tempted to make a beeline for her and outrage her modesty in any way.
Here, aren't we putting the onus of preserving a woman's modesty heavily on the woman? In the first place she has not asked to be made this way and on top of that she is made to feel guilty if she does not dress decently and appropriately so as to not attract leers and attacks from men.
The logic most often given for this desired way of life for women is that men aren't able to control their physical urges so it's the right thing to do everything possible not to tempt them. When God made woman and man, it seems logical that a basic chemistry was put into place to ensure attraction, procreation, survival of the human race and so on. If a man can get attracted to a woman, I'm sure a woman can be attracted to a man as well. I should hope so, otherwise women would have a rotten existence!
God gave human beings the status of the most evolved species for a reason-to indulge and restrain the senses as the situation demands it. If a man goes completely berserk seeing a woman with her natural shape, well he ought to have been taught self restraint and good manners right from childhood. After all, doesn't a man see his mother and sisters the way they are? So why is it that society makes such ridiculous excuses for a man when it comes to women outside his house? Has he subconsciously imbibed from his home and society that it's alright to ogle at, misbehave with, rape, molest women so long as they aren't his family members? The point being that if the education and upbringing has been appropriate then by and large, men would not be such a menace to women in society.
There's a lot of metrosexual male stuff going on these days-images of men flaunting their six pack, waxed(ouch!) abs and chest, wearing well fitting T-shirts and shirts to display their rippling muscles, tight jeans and so on and so forth-well, do we really think that women are not getting attracted to well toned and structured men? Hello, we're human too. (It's a different matter that I prefer the old fashioned hairy chested male any day!). Does this mean that we plan on losing control and molesting men and making a nuisance of ourselves? Well, in that case, do rules of society change and expect a man to dress modestly so that a woman does not lust after him? Somehow, I don't see that happening.
We've gotten so accustomed to making unreasonable demands on women, without bothering to anaylyze how mean, insensitive and uncaring we are in the process. One simply cannot forget that a woman is first and foremost a human being, just like a man. Separate but equal.
The most commmon explanation given to girls as they are growing up is that if they don't behave and dress demurely they will be thought of as 'loose charactered' and inviting trouble for the future in terms of a good match-'cause no matter how much the man has 'been there, done that', it's a big no-no for a woman to be wordly wise. For her, the 'right' descriptions have to be-she's so simple, nice, well behaved, soft spoken, hard working, so adjusting, always putting others' needs before her own and all of that. As for a man, so long as he is earning decently he is considered the biggest 'catch' in the universe.
I say, it's time for some introspection on all of this-are we not mature enough as a society to take our physiological differences in our stride? Once again, the role of mothers-I come back to this time and again. What's to stop a mother from first giving sound advice and then if needed, giving her son two tight slaps and even more severe punishment if required, if he is found misbehaving with women? Do this several times during his growing up years and he'll be a great human being by the time he hits maturity.
Rather than celebrating and honouring women and men as God's creations, all we can think of are ways in which to put a woman to inconvenience and lower her self-esteem, all in the name of making life easier for men. It's high time that they be held accountable for their actions.
A man and woman look different externally and we all know that a woman looks more shapely than a man as that is the way God intended us to be for reasons stated above.It is not that women asked to be designed this way. However the manner in which society has made a woman's 'modesty' such a grave issue puzzles and worries me. Is it the patriarchal system at play once again?
Let me elaborate. A woman is considered demure, nice, well brought up and bursting with morals when she dresses to keep her curves under wraps, be it in the form of loose fitting clothes or even fully covered as is prevalent in many cultures(Ghunghat, hijab etc). Her 'womanliness' or 'izzat' is to be kept out of sight so that menfolk(other than those who are allowed to!) are not tempted to make a beeline for her and outrage her modesty in any way.
Here, aren't we putting the onus of preserving a woman's modesty heavily on the woman? In the first place she has not asked to be made this way and on top of that she is made to feel guilty if she does not dress decently and appropriately so as to not attract leers and attacks from men.
The logic most often given for this desired way of life for women is that men aren't able to control their physical urges so it's the right thing to do everything possible not to tempt them. When God made woman and man, it seems logical that a basic chemistry was put into place to ensure attraction, procreation, survival of the human race and so on. If a man can get attracted to a woman, I'm sure a woman can be attracted to a man as well. I should hope so, otherwise women would have a rotten existence!
God gave human beings the status of the most evolved species for a reason-to indulge and restrain the senses as the situation demands it. If a man goes completely berserk seeing a woman with her natural shape, well he ought to have been taught self restraint and good manners right from childhood. After all, doesn't a man see his mother and sisters the way they are? So why is it that society makes such ridiculous excuses for a man when it comes to women outside his house? Has he subconsciously imbibed from his home and society that it's alright to ogle at, misbehave with, rape, molest women so long as they aren't his family members? The point being that if the education and upbringing has been appropriate then by and large, men would not be such a menace to women in society.
There's a lot of metrosexual male stuff going on these days-images of men flaunting their six pack, waxed(ouch!) abs and chest, wearing well fitting T-shirts and shirts to display their rippling muscles, tight jeans and so on and so forth-well, do we really think that women are not getting attracted to well toned and structured men? Hello, we're human too. (It's a different matter that I prefer the old fashioned hairy chested male any day!). Does this mean that we plan on losing control and molesting men and making a nuisance of ourselves? Well, in that case, do rules of society change and expect a man to dress modestly so that a woman does not lust after him? Somehow, I don't see that happening.
We've gotten so accustomed to making unreasonable demands on women, without bothering to anaylyze how mean, insensitive and uncaring we are in the process. One simply cannot forget that a woman is first and foremost a human being, just like a man. Separate but equal.
The most commmon explanation given to girls as they are growing up is that if they don't behave and dress demurely they will be thought of as 'loose charactered' and inviting trouble for the future in terms of a good match-'cause no matter how much the man has 'been there, done that', it's a big no-no for a woman to be wordly wise. For her, the 'right' descriptions have to be-she's so simple, nice, well behaved, soft spoken, hard working, so adjusting, always putting others' needs before her own and all of that. As for a man, so long as he is earning decently he is considered the biggest 'catch' in the universe.
I say, it's time for some introspection on all of this-are we not mature enough as a society to take our physiological differences in our stride? Once again, the role of mothers-I come back to this time and again. What's to stop a mother from first giving sound advice and then if needed, giving her son two tight slaps and even more severe punishment if required, if he is found misbehaving with women? Do this several times during his growing up years and he'll be a great human being by the time he hits maturity.
Rather than celebrating and honouring women and men as God's creations, all we can think of are ways in which to put a woman to inconvenience and lower her self-esteem, all in the name of making life easier for men. It's high time that they be held accountable for their actions.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Life's Anomalies
I often wonder why we have this peculiar 'system' in place in India, where in many households, the husband is addressed with an 'aap' by the wife but the wife makes do with a 'tu' or 'tum' from her hubby. And more often than not, the woman will not address the man by his name. The logic offered by most is that husbands have traditionally been the breadearners and are stronger physically and therefore the heads of their respective households, therefore they deserve more respect. Some even put forward the logic that the husbands are older and should not be addressed by their name. Well, one has seen this phenomenon even in homes where the wife and husband had been school/college mates and also where the husband is younger than the wife.
In today's times, women are participating in financial responsibilities of the home and are equally deserving of respect if money is the yardstick to go by.
But lets focus on the times gone by for an instant. Even if the wife was not earning money but she sure was contributing tremendously to the home by way of her services and dedication to the family, not to mention going through the phase/s of pregnancy and delivery of children who are such an integral part of any home. If we were to even tentatively calculate the value of her services to her family, it would be enormous. So in what way is she less deserving of respect than a man, I ask?
Nowadays women have it worse-though they have gotten into the rat race to fulfil their desires and aspirations and be economically independent, the fact of the matter is that given a situation where a man and woman are both working, both are exhausted when they get back home- the woman is (with a rare exception here and there) expected to still get the guy a glass of water, tea, something to eat and then get going with cooking meals, taking care of the kids etc. The occasional guy may pitch in with assistance now and then, but the primary responsibility still lies with the woman. It is generally seen that if a woman is taking time off to relax, unwind, read a book, listen to music etc, she is reprimanded or made to feel guilty( 'khaali mat baitho'), whereas it is considered absolutely appropriate for a man to relax, put his feet up, read the newspaper, have a drink and so on.
I wonder what kind of a society we live in where a woman can pretty much do all that a man does, but not vice versa? Or is it, that a man can but will not, because of the social pressures, indoctrination and 'macho' image that he has to portray to family and friends?
The sad part is that the children imbibe these characteristics as they grow up-we teach and lead by example, do we not? If a boy kid is treated as a VIP when it comes to home chores and the girl kid is put to task to cook, clean, put everyone before herself always, what kind of adults are we producing?
And sad to say, women are letting this vicious circle go on and on. The mothers are very largely responsible for ensuring that children of both genders do tasks, chores equally with no differentiation between 'male' and 'female' chores and responsibilities. Just think of the kind of adults that mothers would be instrumental in shaping-sensitive, completely believing in gender equality, treating their spouses with respect, dignity and not talking down to them, being in relationships where both partners call each other 'tum' or 'aap' and by their names. No pati parmeshwar concept to adhere to!
As an aside, let me share that I personally feel that being with a man who knows how to cook and take care of the household can be intoxicating!
I sadly don't have kids, but my promise to everyone out there-if ever I get this enormous privilege of raising a child(either biological or adopted), I would personally carry out all of the above to the best of my abilities. After all, I am answerable to God at the end of it all and I don't believe that God wants us to discriminate, least of all between our children.
In today's times, women are participating in financial responsibilities of the home and are equally deserving of respect if money is the yardstick to go by.
But lets focus on the times gone by for an instant. Even if the wife was not earning money but she sure was contributing tremendously to the home by way of her services and dedication to the family, not to mention going through the phase/s of pregnancy and delivery of children who are such an integral part of any home. If we were to even tentatively calculate the value of her services to her family, it would be enormous. So in what way is she less deserving of respect than a man, I ask?
Nowadays women have it worse-though they have gotten into the rat race to fulfil their desires and aspirations and be economically independent, the fact of the matter is that given a situation where a man and woman are both working, both are exhausted when they get back home- the woman is (with a rare exception here and there) expected to still get the guy a glass of water, tea, something to eat and then get going with cooking meals, taking care of the kids etc. The occasional guy may pitch in with assistance now and then, but the primary responsibility still lies with the woman. It is generally seen that if a woman is taking time off to relax, unwind, read a book, listen to music etc, she is reprimanded or made to feel guilty( 'khaali mat baitho'), whereas it is considered absolutely appropriate for a man to relax, put his feet up, read the newspaper, have a drink and so on.
I wonder what kind of a society we live in where a woman can pretty much do all that a man does, but not vice versa? Or is it, that a man can but will not, because of the social pressures, indoctrination and 'macho' image that he has to portray to family and friends?
The sad part is that the children imbibe these characteristics as they grow up-we teach and lead by example, do we not? If a boy kid is treated as a VIP when it comes to home chores and the girl kid is put to task to cook, clean, put everyone before herself always, what kind of adults are we producing?
And sad to say, women are letting this vicious circle go on and on. The mothers are very largely responsible for ensuring that children of both genders do tasks, chores equally with no differentiation between 'male' and 'female' chores and responsibilities. Just think of the kind of adults that mothers would be instrumental in shaping-sensitive, completely believing in gender equality, treating their spouses with respect, dignity and not talking down to them, being in relationships where both partners call each other 'tum' or 'aap' and by their names. No pati parmeshwar concept to adhere to!
As an aside, let me share that I personally feel that being with a man who knows how to cook and take care of the household can be intoxicating!
I sadly don't have kids, but my promise to everyone out there-if ever I get this enormous privilege of raising a child(either biological or adopted), I would personally carry out all of the above to the best of my abilities. After all, I am answerable to God at the end of it all and I don't believe that God wants us to discriminate, least of all between our children.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Nayi Leek
Zindagi aur zamane ki kashmakash se
Ghabrakar mere ladke mujhse poochte hain,
“Hamme paida kyun kiya tha ?”
Aur mere paas iske siwa
Koi jawab nahin hai
Ki mere baap ne bhi mujhse bina pooche
Mujhe paida kiya tha,
Aur mere baap se bina pooche unke baap ne , unhe,
Aur mere baba se bina pooche unke baap ne , unhe…
Zindagi aur zamane ki kashmakash
Pahle bhi thi
Ab bhi hai, shayad zyada,
Aage bhi hogi , shayad aur zyada.
Tumhi nayi leek dharana,
Apne baytoen se poochkar unhe paida karna !
-Shri Harivansh Rai Bachchan
*
Translation by Shri Amitabh Bachchan
Pulled and torn by the strains of life and living
My sons ask me
“Why did you give birth to us ?”
And I do not possess an answer to this
That even my father did not ask me before giving birth to me,
Nor my father asked his father before producing him
Nor my grandfather did ask his father before bringing him.
The trials and tribulations of life and living
Were there before
And are there now too, perhaps more
And shall be there tomorrow, even greater.
Why don’t you make a new beginning, a new thinking,
Ask your sons before giving birth to them !
Ghabrakar mere ladke mujhse poochte hain,
“Hamme paida kyun kiya tha ?”
Aur mere paas iske siwa
Koi jawab nahin hai
Ki mere baap ne bhi mujhse bina pooche
Mujhe paida kiya tha,
Aur mere baap se bina pooche unke baap ne , unhe,
Aur mere baba se bina pooche unke baap ne , unhe…
Zindagi aur zamane ki kashmakash
Pahle bhi thi
Ab bhi hai, shayad zyada,
Aage bhi hogi , shayad aur zyada.
Tumhi nayi leek dharana,
Apne baytoen se poochkar unhe paida karna !
-Shri Harivansh Rai Bachchan
*
Translation by Shri Amitabh Bachchan
Pulled and torn by the strains of life and living
My sons ask me
“Why did you give birth to us ?”
And I do not possess an answer to this
That even my father did not ask me before giving birth to me,
Nor my father asked his father before producing him
Nor my grandfather did ask his father before bringing him.
The trials and tribulations of life and living
Were there before
And are there now too, perhaps more
And shall be there tomorrow, even greater.
Why don’t you make a new beginning, a new thinking,
Ask your sons before giving birth to them !
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I'm no Night Bird
Folks, in case you are wondering how earnestly I am blogging, going by the timings logged at the end of each post(most of them at some unearthly hour of the morning), please don't. I haven't figured out how to set the blog timings to India even though I did select it as my 'country' in my profile.
I am no night owl by any standards- I usually eat dinner by 8.30pm, am in slumberland by 10.30pm and awake by 6am. As I write this, I am also wondering why I am giving out all this personal info, but hey, it's my blog and I feel like, so there it is!
I am no night owl by any standards- I usually eat dinner by 8.30pm, am in slumberland by 10.30pm and awake by 6am. As I write this, I am also wondering why I am giving out all this personal info, but hey, it's my blog and I feel like, so there it is!
Veg vs Non Veg
So finally, I am addressing this raging issue on my blogsite. I read articles in favour of vegetarianism/veganism and any other 'ism' associated with 'veg'. While I'm appreciative of the heartfelt discussions, I go cold when I see these discussions turn into a battleground for supremacy. One can have wishes, desires, aspirations for oneself but when it gets into the arena of forcing one's opinion down someone's throat, it gets my goat(pun intended).
I am a person who consumes 'non veg' with relish and gusto. Not to say that I don't like my veggies-I do. But when it comes to deciding what I eat, I am the sole and final decison maker on it. Even my doc would come a close second on it-there being no third person who gets to decide for me.
I am told that eating beef is haraam in Hinduism. Gai hamari maata hai(cows are our mothers-nah, doesn't sound quite right in English!) and all that jazz. Well, I don't see our gau maatas being treated with veneration when they are left loose to fend for themselves once their utility is over. And speaking of veneration, what about a goat and chicken who provide us with milk(goat milk is consumed in many parts of the world) and eggs? Aren't all animals alive? Why discriminate?
Regarding 'veg' folks-don't plants live and grow and die like animals and humans?
An interesting twist to this veg/non veg story in some Indian households is-men can eat non veg but women can't as non veg supposedly makes people headstrong, sensuous, assertive etc and we can't have women being all these things, can we?!
Anyway, the bottom line is let's learn to 'live and let live'. If there are people such as PETA who want me to give up eating non veg because it makes them happy or out of some misguided sense of 'parampara'(tradition)-well, it 'aint happening 'cause if I turn around and ask them to start eating non veg to humour me and because of my parampara, would it be done?
Sochne wali baat to hai. And for those who didn't get this last line in Hindi-loosely translated it means food(chicken) for thought?
I could not resist that one!
I am a person who consumes 'non veg' with relish and gusto. Not to say that I don't like my veggies-I do. But when it comes to deciding what I eat, I am the sole and final decison maker on it. Even my doc would come a close second on it-there being no third person who gets to decide for me.
I am told that eating beef is haraam in Hinduism. Gai hamari maata hai(cows are our mothers-nah, doesn't sound quite right in English!) and all that jazz. Well, I don't see our gau maatas being treated with veneration when they are left loose to fend for themselves once their utility is over. And speaking of veneration, what about a goat and chicken who provide us with milk(goat milk is consumed in many parts of the world) and eggs? Aren't all animals alive? Why discriminate?
Regarding 'veg' folks-don't plants live and grow and die like animals and humans?
An interesting twist to this veg/non veg story in some Indian households is-men can eat non veg but women can't as non veg supposedly makes people headstrong, sensuous, assertive etc and we can't have women being all these things, can we?!
Anyway, the bottom line is let's learn to 'live and let live'. If there are people such as PETA who want me to give up eating non veg because it makes them happy or out of some misguided sense of 'parampara'(tradition)-well, it 'aint happening 'cause if I turn around and ask them to start eating non veg to humour me and because of my parampara, would it be done?
Sochne wali baat to hai. And for those who didn't get this last line in Hindi-loosely translated it means food(chicken) for thought?
I could not resist that one!
Phobias
I may have inherited this trait of being enormously scared of lizards, cockroaches, rats, snakes, even frogs, from my mother!
I recall with amusement how we would let out a blood curling yell almost simultaneously and hop onto the nearest bed, sofa, chair or whatever was available at an elevation. Only to be reprimanded by my father not to bring the house down with our screams and reassure us that it was merely a rat, cockroach etc. It seems like a pretty mundane matter but I react in EXACTLY the same way and know how freaked out she's feeling.
I am told that as a toddler or a little older than that, I was a fearless bachcha who would chase lizards with the view to hang on to their tails-and that they would scamper away for dear life, probably wondering, is this kid for real? Aren't we supposed to be scaring her off? I guess the fear set in seeing my ma's reactions as I would spend a lot of time perched on a table just outside the kitchen and would never get tired of watching her movements as she did her chores.
I just felt like recording this memory as time does have a way of robbing us of memories which are mundane but precious. When I'm in my twilight years, I can sit back and read my blog entries and reminisce.
I recall with amusement how we would let out a blood curling yell almost simultaneously and hop onto the nearest bed, sofa, chair or whatever was available at an elevation. Only to be reprimanded by my father not to bring the house down with our screams and reassure us that it was merely a rat, cockroach etc. It seems like a pretty mundane matter but I react in EXACTLY the same way and know how freaked out she's feeling.
I am told that as a toddler or a little older than that, I was a fearless bachcha who would chase lizards with the view to hang on to their tails-and that they would scamper away for dear life, probably wondering, is this kid for real? Aren't we supposed to be scaring her off? I guess the fear set in seeing my ma's reactions as I would spend a lot of time perched on a table just outside the kitchen and would never get tired of watching her movements as she did her chores.
I just felt like recording this memory as time does have a way of robbing us of memories which are mundane but precious. When I'm in my twilight years, I can sit back and read my blog entries and reminisce.
Quotes
Nadia
"I could be a hundred things to a hundred different people. I could be a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, or a colleague. But beyond all, if I can be myself, that's independence."
Mandeep Maitra,Head(HR), HDFC Bank
Independence means "emancipation for women in every sense of the term. It means freedom to make choices on your own and not just live with those that are thrust upon you because of your gender, economic and financial situation."
Epitaph by Shahnaz Hussain for her deceased son Sameer
"Oh God, you have given me life to live and breathe but how can I live when you have taken my breath away."
Verse by Khalil Gibran
"One day you'll ask me, which is more important, my life or yours, I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life."
Quotes by Narayana Murthy(of 'Infosys' fame)
"Entrepreneurship is about running a marathon, not a 100 metre dash."
" I believe that we have all at some time eaten the fruit from trees that we did not plant. In the fullness of time, when it is our turn to give, it behooves us in turn to plant gardens that we may never eat the fruit of, which will largely benefit generations to come. I believe this is our sacred responsibility, one that I hope you will shoulder in time."
"Our intellectual arrogance has also not helped our society. I have traveled extensively, and in my experience, have not come across another society where people are as contemptuous of better societies as we are, with as little progress as we have achieved. Remember that arrogance breeds hypocrisy. No other society gloats so much about the past as we do, with as little current accomplishment."
"Corruption, as we see in India, is another example of putting the interest of oneself, and at best that of one's family, above that of the society. Society is relatively corruption free in the West."
"Dignity of labor is an integral part of the Western value system. In the West, each person is proud about his or her labor that raises honest sweat. On the other hand, in India, we tend to overlook the significance of those who are not in professional jobs."
"Irrespective of your position, in the West, you are held accountable for what you do. However, in India, the more 'important' you are, the less answerable you are."
"The most important attribute of a progressive society is respect for others who have accomplished more than they themselves have, and learn from them."
"It is less important, I believe, where you start. It is more important how and what you learn. If the quality of the learning is high, the development gradient is steep, and, given time, you can find yourself in a previously unattainable place."
"Mahatma Gandhi epitomizes the qualities of leadership by example, simplicity and perseverance. In a knowledge company whose core competencies include human intellect and learning, leaders have to walk the talk."
"Mindset and imagination are more critical than other resources. Essentially, this translates to becoming a group of educated people."
Quote by Nelson Mandela
" I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if need be, it is an ideal for which I'm prepared to die."
Quote by Deepak Chopra
"I honor in you the divine that I honor within myself and I know we are one."
"I could be a hundred things to a hundred different people. I could be a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend, or a colleague. But beyond all, if I can be myself, that's independence."
Mandeep Maitra,Head(HR), HDFC Bank
Independence means "emancipation for women in every sense of the term. It means freedom to make choices on your own and not just live with those that are thrust upon you because of your gender, economic and financial situation."
Epitaph by Shahnaz Hussain for her deceased son Sameer
"Oh God, you have given me life to live and breathe but how can I live when you have taken my breath away."
Verse by Khalil Gibran
"One day you'll ask me, which is more important, my life or yours, I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life."
Quotes by Narayana Murthy(of 'Infosys' fame)
"Entrepreneurship is about running a marathon, not a 100 metre dash."
" I believe that we have all at some time eaten the fruit from trees that we did not plant. In the fullness of time, when it is our turn to give, it behooves us in turn to plant gardens that we may never eat the fruit of, which will largely benefit generations to come. I believe this is our sacred responsibility, one that I hope you will shoulder in time."
"Our intellectual arrogance has also not helped our society. I have traveled extensively, and in my experience, have not come across another society where people are as contemptuous of better societies as we are, with as little progress as we have achieved. Remember that arrogance breeds hypocrisy. No other society gloats so much about the past as we do, with as little current accomplishment."
"Corruption, as we see in India, is another example of putting the interest of oneself, and at best that of one's family, above that of the society. Society is relatively corruption free in the West."
"Dignity of labor is an integral part of the Western value system. In the West, each person is proud about his or her labor that raises honest sweat. On the other hand, in India, we tend to overlook the significance of those who are not in professional jobs."
"Irrespective of your position, in the West, you are held accountable for what you do. However, in India, the more 'important' you are, the less answerable you are."
"The most important attribute of a progressive society is respect for others who have accomplished more than they themselves have, and learn from them."
"It is less important, I believe, where you start. It is more important how and what you learn. If the quality of the learning is high, the development gradient is steep, and, given time, you can find yourself in a previously unattainable place."
"Mahatma Gandhi epitomizes the qualities of leadership by example, simplicity and perseverance. In a knowledge company whose core competencies include human intellect and learning, leaders have to walk the talk."
"Mindset and imagination are more critical than other resources. Essentially, this translates to becoming a group of educated people."
Quote by Nelson Mandela
" I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if need be, it is an ideal for which I'm prepared to die."
Quote by Deepak Chopra
"I honor in you the divine that I honor within myself and I know we are one."
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What's in a Name?
That's a good question. For me, a lot is in a name. It is believed that the name given to a baby is very special and should be well thought about prior to the naming-reason being that the child then starts acquiring the characteristics of the meaning of that name.
Well, I know my name means khazana or treasure-I know I am that! Modesty was never a strong point with me.
I am very attached to my birth name and went into a state of disbelief and horror when I was told prior to getting married, that my name must change to reflect the reality of my marital status. I was sort of prepared though not too happy for a change in last name-however the first name situation completely blew me away. I was utterly saddened and depressed as my identity was so synonymous with my name. I had been fondly told how my parents had selected this name for me with great care and love.
Anyway, I was asked to choose a name which I liked and though every cell in me revolted against the idea, I finally chose one which sounded pretty similiar to my name-maybe it was a subconscious effort on my part to cling onto remnants of the 'original' name.
Subsequently, whenever anyone addressed me by my new name, I cringed and had to bear it. I don't remember ever having used the name to introduce myself. It just wasn't me.
I'm aware that many Hindu families practise this tradition of changing the girl's name after marriage to reflect the new life that she has embarked upon. Does anyone ever give a thought to this practice? I can't figure out why a man's name isn't changed to reflect his new life.
What all does a woman have to cope with once she's married? For a lot of women, it means adjusting to a new home physically, emotionally, mentally, all the while struggling to deal with the immense pain and sense of loss of moving away from their birth family. And to add insult to injury, rather than do whatever it takes to make her feel good and comfortable in her new surroundings, her name is now different, for God's sake! I intend to take up this matter of a woman having to leave her parental home subsequent to marriage, in a separate post.
The easiest way to get a glimpse into someone's pain is to visualize yourself in the affected person's shoes. Maybe, then, will arise an awareness and sensitivity which is so sorely needed.
Well, I know my name means khazana or treasure-I know I am that! Modesty was never a strong point with me.
I am very attached to my birth name and went into a state of disbelief and horror when I was told prior to getting married, that my name must change to reflect the reality of my marital status. I was sort of prepared though not too happy for a change in last name-however the first name situation completely blew me away. I was utterly saddened and depressed as my identity was so synonymous with my name. I had been fondly told how my parents had selected this name for me with great care and love.
Anyway, I was asked to choose a name which I liked and though every cell in me revolted against the idea, I finally chose one which sounded pretty similiar to my name-maybe it was a subconscious effort on my part to cling onto remnants of the 'original' name.
Subsequently, whenever anyone addressed me by my new name, I cringed and had to bear it. I don't remember ever having used the name to introduce myself. It just wasn't me.
I'm aware that many Hindu families practise this tradition of changing the girl's name after marriage to reflect the new life that she has embarked upon. Does anyone ever give a thought to this practice? I can't figure out why a man's name isn't changed to reflect his new life.
What all does a woman have to cope with once she's married? For a lot of women, it means adjusting to a new home physically, emotionally, mentally, all the while struggling to deal with the immense pain and sense of loss of moving away from their birth family. And to add insult to injury, rather than do whatever it takes to make her feel good and comfortable in her new surroundings, her name is now different, for God's sake! I intend to take up this matter of a woman having to leave her parental home subsequent to marriage, in a separate post.
The easiest way to get a glimpse into someone's pain is to visualize yourself in the affected person's shoes. Maybe, then, will arise an awareness and sensitivity which is so sorely needed.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Kismat Konnection(Hindi movie)
I saw this movie and really liked it-story line isn't spectacular but is sweet and warms the cockles of your heart. It's a feel good movie with great tracks. And I'm growing to be a huge fan of Vidya Balan. She's amazingly charming and such a natural actress. AND a smile to die for.
Shahid is good in a boyish sort of way-he does not overact which I greatly appreciate about any actor/actress. In my opinion, Shahrukh takes the cake in hamming. And Shahid has got the moves when it comes to dancing.
So, if anyone reads my blog and is fairly trusting of my opinion, go for it-check this movie out.
Shahid is good in a boyish sort of way-he does not overact which I greatly appreciate about any actor/actress. In my opinion, Shahrukh takes the cake in hamming. And Shahid has got the moves when it comes to dancing.
So, if anyone reads my blog and is fairly trusting of my opinion, go for it-check this movie out.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Crossroads
I guess we all arrive at crossroads in life at some point of time or another. One so wishes that God would just stick a banner on your doorstep clearly telling you what to do! Alas, we pay the price of growing up-as children we live our lives with such gay abandon and frolic with never a worry for the 'morrow.
When there is a choice between living life the 'conventional' way, especially for women, no matter how emancipated we may have become, or flying on the wings of chance towards a future which seems promising yet fraught with uncertainty-which way does one go?
It's all well to say that the only constant in life is change and all of that, but when push comes to shove, it takes a lot of courage and chutzpah to leap into unfamiliar territory.
One the one hand, there is a life of predictability where reasonable success in relationships is ensured provided one toes the line and no rocking of boats please! Of course, there is the possibility of losing one's identity in the bargain, but hey-you can't have it all or can you?
The parameters for success in such a staid and 'secure' existence being-don't talk too much, don't reason too much, don't question the laid down norms of 'society' and you're pretty much guaranteed a 'successful' life from birth until death.
And on the other hand, one's individuality, creativity, ability to be one's own person unapologetically beckons and how! Very seductive and yet fraught with the fear of the unknown.
Can one look forward to a world where both these world views merge and light up the horizon brilliantly?
When there is a choice between living life the 'conventional' way, especially for women, no matter how emancipated we may have become, or flying on the wings of chance towards a future which seems promising yet fraught with uncertainty-which way does one go?
It's all well to say that the only constant in life is change and all of that, but when push comes to shove, it takes a lot of courage and chutzpah to leap into unfamiliar territory.
One the one hand, there is a life of predictability where reasonable success in relationships is ensured provided one toes the line and no rocking of boats please! Of course, there is the possibility of losing one's identity in the bargain, but hey-you can't have it all or can you?
The parameters for success in such a staid and 'secure' existence being-don't talk too much, don't reason too much, don't question the laid down norms of 'society' and you're pretty much guaranteed a 'successful' life from birth until death.
And on the other hand, one's individuality, creativity, ability to be one's own person unapologetically beckons and how! Very seductive and yet fraught with the fear of the unknown.
Can one look forward to a world where both these world views merge and light up the horizon brilliantly?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Writing
I have always enjoyed writing-most often, words just seem to flow out of nowhere and manage to make sense. I've been told by several people that I write well-I guess it's a matter of perspective. What appeals to one person, may not to the other. That's alright. Each to their own, I always say.
I dream of writing a book one day, some day. It might be a cookery book since I love cooking.It could be a biography. All options are open at this point in time! I feel there's a lot within which needs to be released and it may make sense to at least a few when they read it. That'll be good enough. One step at a time. My English teacher in school, Mrs Samuel, loved my essays and often remarked that she went into some fantasy world while reading what I had written, and would then have to make a conscious effort to get back into the here and now to grade me. How cool is that.
Teachers can be wonderful catalysts for inspiring and motivating. One well meant, sincere compliment goes an enormous way in the impressionable mind of a child. Another teacher, Mrs Malhotra, remarked that I had a charming smile and to always keep smiling. I remember the boost of confidence it gave to my gawky teenage personality. So, three cheers for cool school teachers!
I dream of writing a book one day, some day. It might be a cookery book since I love cooking.It could be a biography. All options are open at this point in time! I feel there's a lot within which needs to be released and it may make sense to at least a few when they read it. That'll be good enough. One step at a time. My English teacher in school, Mrs Samuel, loved my essays and often remarked that she went into some fantasy world while reading what I had written, and would then have to make a conscious effort to get back into the here and now to grade me. How cool is that.
Teachers can be wonderful catalysts for inspiring and motivating. One well meant, sincere compliment goes an enormous way in the impressionable mind of a child. Another teacher, Mrs Malhotra, remarked that I had a charming smile and to always keep smiling. I remember the boost of confidence it gave to my gawky teenage personality. So, three cheers for cool school teachers!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Mazhabi Sangharsh( trials and tribulations of religion)
I wonder about the role of religion in our lives. Is it a uniter or divider? My personal experiences have shown that religion is used to establish control, dominance and reinforce the system of patriarchy which is already so deep rooted in our society.
For me, religion is about a personal one on one equation with a higher being-something which provides hope, comfort, solace and cheer in one's life. It's about making that vital soothing connection with a supreme power who does not discriminate or pass judgments. It's about turning to that one source which welcomes you unconditionally regardless of what you've done, who you are, what you can be.
At what point in time did religion turn into one person's or a few persons' fiefdom where they got to decide how religion should be practised and what the supposed penalties would be for not adhering to the 'prescribed' methods of worshipping? I cannot logically comprehend how an all knowing, ever present, ever compassionate God could think along the lines of punishing people for not praying in a prescribed manner. Does that mean that a Hindu will go to heaven and someone from any other faith won't? And vice versa? That in itself strikes me as very odd, arrogant, lopsided logic.
Is there any hope out there for religion to change in meaningful ways? Do we have it in us to break out of the shackles of indoctrination and actually see, feel, practise humanity? Isn't humanity a religion in itself?
For me, religion is about a personal one on one equation with a higher being-something which provides hope, comfort, solace and cheer in one's life. It's about making that vital soothing connection with a supreme power who does not discriminate or pass judgments. It's about turning to that one source which welcomes you unconditionally regardless of what you've done, who you are, what you can be.
At what point in time did religion turn into one person's or a few persons' fiefdom where they got to decide how religion should be practised and what the supposed penalties would be for not adhering to the 'prescribed' methods of worshipping? I cannot logically comprehend how an all knowing, ever present, ever compassionate God could think along the lines of punishing people for not praying in a prescribed manner. Does that mean that a Hindu will go to heaven and someone from any other faith won't? And vice versa? That in itself strikes me as very odd, arrogant, lopsided logic.
Is there any hope out there for religion to change in meaningful ways? Do we have it in us to break out of the shackles of indoctrination and actually see, feel, practise humanity? Isn't humanity a religion in itself?
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Safar ki Shuruwaat(the journey commences)
I've finally gotten down to it-actually created a blog. Choosing a title for the blog has been a tedious process. The ones which spontaneously came to my mind were all 'taken' by people probably more spontaneous than me! I so wanted to use the word 'Abeer' which means colour. The next word to spring up was 'Serendipity'-I'm a huge fan of the movie by that title-I feel there's something magical and heart tugging about this word. Well, the blogsite finally accepted the word 'Guldasta'(bouquet of flowers) and I'm grateful and happy for small mercies.
Being a Reiki practitioner, I'd like to say 'cho ku ray' to mark the beginning of this journey into blogosphere.
Being a Reiki practitioner, I'd like to say 'cho ku ray' to mark the beginning of this journey into blogosphere.
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