I've often read and heard about the ecstasy and the pain of people who make that leap of faith and migrate to another country.It may not seem like a big deal to begin with, with all the initial euphoria and activity happening, but when one starts living life afresh in a new country, I guess the trials and tribulations come to the 'fore by and by.
Usually people move from one's home country in search of greener pastures which mainly would mean the economic component of one's life I guess. However, adjusting to a different language, culture,way of life is a big deal for most. Usually the ones who make it there when they are younger, for instance before they are in their twenties,adapt faster and the integration process seems to be more seamless.After that, it can get tougher with more hiccups in terms of culture shock, bringing up kids with a decent blend of values inherited from the birth country and the new country.Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The children often bear the brunt of it while trying to cope with the old and the new simultaneously.
This makes me think, as many random things do-does it make more sense to just shed one's old ways and jump into a new life, embracing whatever it has to offer-kinda like do in Rome what the Romans do(have no clue what the right phrase is)-'cause the more one dithers and tries to get the right fit and blend of the old and new scenarios and all of that, it takes it's toll on one's emotional equilibrium.It's almost like trying to convince oneself that one is still the same old person, just that the physical boundaries of one's residence have changed.There is often a concerted effort to cook, eat, pray, talk in the same fashion that one used to and the thought that somehow if one abandoned all of that, it would amount to being a traitor to one's birth country.
All in all, I have often felt that the life of an immigrant is far more complex than it appears to be-once you get past the glitz and glamour, there are some pretty strong undercurrents of adjustment issues, which lead me to conclude that it's perhaps not all that it's cracked up to be.How else would one explain the inexplicable longing people have, after living many years abroad,to get back and enjoy the twilight years amidst people who eat,talk,pray and behave like oneself? What I ponder over is-why can't we completely and irrevocably give ourselves up to the new land and become one with it in every sense of the word? I don't have an answer to that yet-the more one delves into the human psyche, one realizes there is a whole world in there to explore-amazingly fascinating.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Caste system: enough is ENOUGH
Gajanan Khergamker writes in today's Times of India in the article titled 'Great laws, if they are implemented', that "in the interiors of vibrant, 'rich' Gujarat-in the impoverished Panchmahals and Dangs, zamindari and the ignoble caste system continue to rule the roost...immediately on the heels of 'Kem cho' or 'How do you do?' follows a customary 'Tame shi naath na' or What caste do you belong to?'...The protection of Civil Rights Act, 1955 that prevents the practice of untouchability...is unheard of in these quarters.In urban India where the rule of law is more visible, oddly it is the educated who continue to break the law while offering lame excuses."
There are several issues which get me all hot and bothered under the collar-and yes, the horrific caste system prevalent in India galls me no end. Whatever the noble and practical intentions may have been, to put such a system in place, it amazes me how people are still gloating over and flaunting their 'castes' in every manner possible, be it for marriages, jobs and so on.
When I read about 'upper castes' preventing 'lower castes' from entering and worshiping in religious places, Dalits being harassed, molested, raped, insulted and ostracized because they are still considered the lowermost strata of society, it makes me wonder at the sheer shamelessness and audacity of 'society'. And sad to say, it's not just the uneducated folks indulging in such nonsense-the so called educated, literate lot are proudly and boldly carrying forward these 'traditions' by indulging in such behaviour and worse, inculcating these pathetic values in the coming generations as well.
We love criticizing and sensationalizing all that is wrong and unjust in other societies and religions, but are we looking inwards and assessing the emotional, psychological and physical degradation that we are causing and perpetuating? Let's get our own house in order before preaching what others should or shouldn't do. I for one, in my own little way, have decided that if anyone asks me a question about which caste I belong to, which they so love doing in India-the answer is going to be a curt 'scheduled caste/scheduled tribe category'. I am very keen to see and analyze how this reply would change the dynamics of my social interaction with people.
How do you plan to deal with removing these mean, inhuman practices which operate under the guise of the 'caste system'?
There are several issues which get me all hot and bothered under the collar-and yes, the horrific caste system prevalent in India galls me no end. Whatever the noble and practical intentions may have been, to put such a system in place, it amazes me how people are still gloating over and flaunting their 'castes' in every manner possible, be it for marriages, jobs and so on.
When I read about 'upper castes' preventing 'lower castes' from entering and worshiping in religious places, Dalits being harassed, molested, raped, insulted and ostracized because they are still considered the lowermost strata of society, it makes me wonder at the sheer shamelessness and audacity of 'society'. And sad to say, it's not just the uneducated folks indulging in such nonsense-the so called educated, literate lot are proudly and boldly carrying forward these 'traditions' by indulging in such behaviour and worse, inculcating these pathetic values in the coming generations as well.
We love criticizing and sensationalizing all that is wrong and unjust in other societies and religions, but are we looking inwards and assessing the emotional, psychological and physical degradation that we are causing and perpetuating? Let's get our own house in order before preaching what others should or shouldn't do. I for one, in my own little way, have decided that if anyone asks me a question about which caste I belong to, which they so love doing in India-the answer is going to be a curt 'scheduled caste/scheduled tribe category'. I am very keen to see and analyze how this reply would change the dynamics of my social interaction with people.
How do you plan to deal with removing these mean, inhuman practices which operate under the guise of the 'caste system'?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Walk the Talk
Break from tradition: Shia woman solemnizes nikah
(14 Aug 2008, 0327 hrs IST, Manajri Mishra,TNN)
LUCKNOW: 'A Shia woman solemnizing marriage of a Sunni couple. If that was not enough, the nikah that made Lucknow sit up in disbelief, was to have only women as witnesses. Twenty-nine could be a trifle young to make history, but then Naish Hasan, an economics post-graduate and a womens' rights activist managed to do it within half-an-hour on Monday night by opting for an "all- women" nikah even as maulvis scoffed and scowled in the background.
"Someone has to make a beginning and break the shackles of male dominance in Islam. I have volunteered," Naish told TOI. "I consider myself fortunate for there are not many who can practise what they preach," she added. "This is a message I want to send across to young girls and a protest I want to lodge against subjugation of women."
Her conditions were no less unusual. "I have told Imran I will not dress up as a traditional bride. There will be no vidai; there will be no barat and no dowry will be given," she said. The nikahnama she proudly displayed, categorically mentioned that the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq at a sitting and the wife will also have a right to pronounce talaq if she so desired. "My humble attempt to demolish the patriarchal mind set," she smiled. "Don't expect any frills. It will be a simple ceremony," she had forewarned. So the only concession Naish made for the occasion was donning an embroidered maroon sari.
Surrounded by co-workers from Tahrir and Indian Muslim Women Movement, she looked a little edgy when Sayda Hamid, member, Planning Commission and her role model who was to double up as a maulvi for the D-day, got a little delayed. Groom Imran, a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, looked a little lost yet contented. And some of the guests were betting if Naish would cover her head or not at the ceremony.
Hamid began by reading out Qoranic verses about equality among mates and sanctity of the union. All murmuring stopped and in the pin-drop silence she asked the man and the wife to be if they accepted a 'meher' set for Rs 51,000? They both loudly declared their acceptance as cameras rolled and flashbulbs popped. The only deviation was adding a male witness to the all womens' club. This was necessitated with the clerics' pronouncement that the nikah would be null and void if not witnessed by a man. As per her conditions, Naish will not leave her city and keep working.
Having a woman officiating at the nikah is "impractical and therefore not advisable", said Maulana Khalid Rashid, a cleric from Firangi Mahal of Lucknow.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this incident: I am so in awe of people who walk the talk. This is the only way that SOCIETY can change in meaningful ways. I salute you, Naish and Imran.
(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-3362620,prtpage-1.cms)
(14 Aug 2008, 0327 hrs IST, Manajri Mishra,TNN)
LUCKNOW: 'A Shia woman solemnizing marriage of a Sunni couple. If that was not enough, the nikah that made Lucknow sit up in disbelief, was to have only women as witnesses. Twenty-nine could be a trifle young to make history, but then Naish Hasan, an economics post-graduate and a womens' rights activist managed to do it within half-an-hour on Monday night by opting for an "all- women" nikah even as maulvis scoffed and scowled in the background.
"Someone has to make a beginning and break the shackles of male dominance in Islam. I have volunteered," Naish told TOI. "I consider myself fortunate for there are not many who can practise what they preach," she added. "This is a message I want to send across to young girls and a protest I want to lodge against subjugation of women."
Her conditions were no less unusual. "I have told Imran I will not dress up as a traditional bride. There will be no vidai; there will be no barat and no dowry will be given," she said. The nikahnama she proudly displayed, categorically mentioned that the husband will not have the right to pronounce triple talaq at a sitting and the wife will also have a right to pronounce talaq if she so desired. "My humble attempt to demolish the patriarchal mind set," she smiled. "Don't expect any frills. It will be a simple ceremony," she had forewarned. So the only concession Naish made for the occasion was donning an embroidered maroon sari.
Surrounded by co-workers from Tahrir and Indian Muslim Women Movement, she looked a little edgy when Sayda Hamid, member, Planning Commission and her role model who was to double up as a maulvi for the D-day, got a little delayed. Groom Imran, a PhD from Aligarh Muslim University, looked a little lost yet contented. And some of the guests were betting if Naish would cover her head or not at the ceremony.
Hamid began by reading out Qoranic verses about equality among mates and sanctity of the union. All murmuring stopped and in the pin-drop silence she asked the man and the wife to be if they accepted a 'meher' set for Rs 51,000? They both loudly declared their acceptance as cameras rolled and flashbulbs popped. The only deviation was adding a male witness to the all womens' club. This was necessitated with the clerics' pronouncement that the nikah would be null and void if not witnessed by a man. As per her conditions, Naish will not leave her city and keep working.
Having a woman officiating at the nikah is "impractical and therefore not advisable", said Maulana Khalid Rashid, a cleric from Firangi Mahal of Lucknow.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this incident: I am so in awe of people who walk the talk. This is the only way that SOCIETY can change in meaningful ways. I salute you, Naish and Imran.
(http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-3362620,prtpage-1.cms)
If it's being written about, it's happenin' !
What to Do When You Don't Like Your Mother-In-Law
How to tell the truth nicely when your mother-in-law starts acting like, well, family.
By The Nest Editors
'We get this question a lot: "Is it ever okay to tell my husband that I hate his mother?" Our answer — every single time — is "don't!" You don't have to keep your feelings bottled up inside, but you do need to be careful with your words. You can say something like, "I'm just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine." Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there's just a closeness you feel with your own kin.
But if there's something your mother-in-law is doing that's consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse about what's going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, "I don't want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don't want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me."
It's possible that he's going to be oblivious at first. He'll think that there's no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you're in the picture; some passive-aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior could be happening, and one of you might need to say something.
Once he's been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you're all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is — and stick up for you when needed.
Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger, stronger person and see his mom in a new light. We promise, it's much sexier this way.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this:the 4th line from the bottom says "and stick up for you when needed". Is this a utopian concept, wishful thinking or does it really happen?
(http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518888>1=32023)
How to tell the truth nicely when your mother-in-law starts acting like, well, family.
By The Nest Editors
'We get this question a lot: "Is it ever okay to tell my husband that I hate his mother?" Our answer — every single time — is "don't!" You don't have to keep your feelings bottled up inside, but you do need to be careful with your words. You can say something like, "I'm just not as comfortable around your mom as I am with mine." Emphasize that he probably feels the same way about your parents. Try to get him to understand that there's just a closeness you feel with your own kin.
But if there's something your mother-in-law is doing that's consistently hurting your feelings (and possibly on purpose), the situation becomes a lot more delicate. In this case, you need to alert your spouse about what's going on. Keep in mind that the best time to do this is when you can be calm. Say something like, "I don't want to upset you, but I need you to keep a lookout for how your mom treats me during our next visit. I don't want to sound crazy here, but I think she might be saying certain things to hurt me."
It's possible that he's going to be oblivious at first. He'll think that there's no possible way the person who raised him to be such a wonderful person could be so hurtful. Get him to at least open his mind that there might be a competitive factor now that you're in the picture; some passive-aggressive (or all-out cruel) behavior could be happening, and one of you might need to say something.
Once he's been alerted to the possibility, create a signal. Tug on your ear the next time she does something rude while you're all together. Then he can determine how malicious her behavior is — and stick up for you when needed.
Whatever you do, try not to create a catfight between the two of you. Let your husband see you as the bigger, stronger person and see his mom in a new light. We promise, it's much sexier this way.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My take on this:the 4th line from the bottom says "and stick up for you when needed". Is this a utopian concept, wishful thinking or does it really happen?
(http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518888>1=32023)
Alcohol and Tobacco-So Not Cool
Two substances that I feel very strongly about. I intensely dislike the imbibing of alcohol and tobacco, whether it is done in the private confines of one's home or at a social gathering. The most I can tolerate is someone, anyone having a drink once or twice a year in my presence, though ideally a teetotlar is what really rocks my boat. And as for smoking, I'd rather do without that person in my life than have to suffer passive smoking. It annoys me no end when people light up without so much as a passing thought to the people around and their discomfort.
I feel the hatred for alcohol has been festering ever since I had this weird experience when I was about 24 years of age. I was visiting a lady(aunty!) living across our home-my family knew her husband's older brother and family for years so in the Indian context that was as good as knowing these folks well too. The 'uncle', educated, polished soul that he was, had apparantly imbibed the 'good' stuff a bit too freely and no sooner had his wife gone into the kitchen to get me something to drink/eat, he lunged at me and tried to plant a nasty, stinky kiss on my cheek, muttering something along the lines of how 'beautiful' I was.Yeah, right. He would have said that to a cow (maybe not-gau hamari maata hai, remember?) as well so long as he could fondle it/her, whatever.
I was all 'shook up' as Elvis would have described it and I gathered all my strength and shoved him off-thank the good Lord that 'aunty' got back upon which 'uncle' just vanished from the room, which tells me that even in his stupor he knew he had done something unpardonable.
I hurriedly gulped down the drink (not alcohol!) and much to her bewilderment, did the vanishing act myself.I gathered the courage to tell my mother about it several weeks later, when she asked me to accompany her to their place. I don't remember ever going to their home again. And I do need to mention that whenever 'Uncleji' and I would cross paths briefly, being neighbors, he would not look me in the eye, ever-how could he? He had two sons who were closer to my age, for God's sake.
I am very wary and suspicious of folks who drink. There are some who claim that they know how to 'hold' a drink-well, I am not interested in testing that. Any substance which makes you lose your sensibilities and social graces is not worth accommodating, as far as I'm concerned. I have noticed that even one drink down the hatch and the person becomes a bit too happy and loose tongued for my comfort.
I actually had a boss years ago, who told my lady colleagues and me at an official 'do' that we could be more effective as officers if we drank liquor at social events-to prove we were sporting and 'with it' and all of that. The creepy guy actually then asked us to drink and of course there were some who readily gave in, all in the line of 'duty'. I failed the test miserably as usual! He hated my guts as long as I worked with him-I probably reminded him of his ineffectiveness!
And as a closing note, I feel that people who smoke are so not cool-such blatant disregard for their health is astonishing.
I feel the hatred for alcohol has been festering ever since I had this weird experience when I was about 24 years of age. I was visiting a lady(aunty!) living across our home-my family knew her husband's older brother and family for years so in the Indian context that was as good as knowing these folks well too. The 'uncle', educated, polished soul that he was, had apparantly imbibed the 'good' stuff a bit too freely and no sooner had his wife gone into the kitchen to get me something to drink/eat, he lunged at me and tried to plant a nasty, stinky kiss on my cheek, muttering something along the lines of how 'beautiful' I was.Yeah, right. He would have said that to a cow (maybe not-gau hamari maata hai, remember?) as well so long as he could fondle it/her, whatever.
I was all 'shook up' as Elvis would have described it and I gathered all my strength and shoved him off-thank the good Lord that 'aunty' got back upon which 'uncle' just vanished from the room, which tells me that even in his stupor he knew he had done something unpardonable.
I hurriedly gulped down the drink (not alcohol!) and much to her bewilderment, did the vanishing act myself.I gathered the courage to tell my mother about it several weeks later, when she asked me to accompany her to their place. I don't remember ever going to their home again. And I do need to mention that whenever 'Uncleji' and I would cross paths briefly, being neighbors, he would not look me in the eye, ever-how could he? He had two sons who were closer to my age, for God's sake.
I am very wary and suspicious of folks who drink. There are some who claim that they know how to 'hold' a drink-well, I am not interested in testing that. Any substance which makes you lose your sensibilities and social graces is not worth accommodating, as far as I'm concerned. I have noticed that even one drink down the hatch and the person becomes a bit too happy and loose tongued for my comfort.
I actually had a boss years ago, who told my lady colleagues and me at an official 'do' that we could be more effective as officers if we drank liquor at social events-to prove we were sporting and 'with it' and all of that. The creepy guy actually then asked us to drink and of course there were some who readily gave in, all in the line of 'duty'. I failed the test miserably as usual! He hated my guts as long as I worked with him-I probably reminded him of his ineffectiveness!
And as a closing note, I feel that people who smoke are so not cool-such blatant disregard for their health is astonishing.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Tips most of us could use
' 8 Marriage Ruts: Are You In One?
Whether you've been married for three months or three years, here's how to get out of routines that hurt your relationship.(By The Nest Editors)
Rut #1: Watching TV During Dinner.
Why it's bad: Having dinner together offers valuable face time with your partner. Turning on the tube competes for attention and cuts in on your time to catch up and connect after so many hours spent apart.
How to stop: Set aside 30 to 45 minutes of one-on-one talk time with the TV off every night. This shows your spouse that when you're not at work, you're devoted to your home and family. During this time, ignore your phone and leave the BlackBerry in another room. You'll feel closer within days.
Rut #2: Going Too Long Without Sex.
Why it's bad: If the amount of sex you're used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.
How to stop: Don't wait until you feel like doing it. Initiate sex when you're open to doing it, rather than when you have the desire. This will jump-start your feelings so you'll crave it more often.
Rut #3: Going a Whole Workday Without Talking to Your Sweetheart.
Why it's bad: You'll start growing apart emotionally after subconsciously feeling like the other person doesn't think about you (and your needs) during the day.
How to stop: Initiate daily contact by sending a quick "How's your day?" email. And make the effort to do something nice every day (pick up his fave dessert, call from the store to see if she needs something). It shows forethought and consideration for your partner's needs.
Rut #4: Tuning Each Other Out.
Why it's bad: You're disengaging from each other.
How to stop: Make an effort to do small things such as kissing before saying good-bye, making eye contact when talking, and complimenting each other frequently throughout the week. Does he not seem to hear you talking during certain times (ahem, when ESPN is on)? Don't try to make conversation while the TV is on. If it's important, press mute; otherwise, save conversations for dinner or your bedroom, where you're less likely to be interrupted.
Rut #5: Not Fighting.
Why it's bad: Disagreements are good in a marriage because you're expressing your individuality. Talking about issues when they first happen makes them easier to fix than if you wait until after they've festered.
How to stop: Bring up what's on your mind in a way that shows your admiration and respect for each other's thoughts and feelings. Like, "It hurts my feelings when ______. I was hoping we could figure out a new way to handle the situation together." This will set the tone of the conversation as loving and calm, but you both have to compromise to keep it that way.
Rut #6: Going out More with Friends Than with Your Spouse.
Why it's bad: It sends the message that your friends are more worthy of your time.
How to stop: Schedule nights out with your crew a few times a month, but make sure to let your partner know in advance. It's important to have these friendships as long as they don't make your married time sparse. And it's always best that these friends are people your partner knows and trusts, so there's less reason to worry.
Rut #7: Being Too Close.
Why it's bad: As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you're leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you.
How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn't do it in front of your work friends, don't do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: "I know we're close, and we can share everything, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It's not very sexy, and I don't want anything that makes you less sexy to me."
Rut #8: Sharing Too Much with Your Parents or In-laws.
Why it's bad: This shows a lack of loyalty to your spouse. Your parents shouldn't have any information that your spouse doesn't have. And they shouldn't know anything he wouldn't want them to know.
How to stop: Be loyal to your spouse even when she's not present. If you wouldn't say something in front of her, don't say it at all. You would want the same in return.'
-Dr. Susan Fletcher is a licensed psychologist in private practice and the author of Parenting in the Smart Zone:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518886>1=32023
Whether you've been married for three months or three years, here's how to get out of routines that hurt your relationship.(By The Nest Editors)
Rut #1: Watching TV During Dinner.
Why it's bad: Having dinner together offers valuable face time with your partner. Turning on the tube competes for attention and cuts in on your time to catch up and connect after so many hours spent apart.
How to stop: Set aside 30 to 45 minutes of one-on-one talk time with the TV off every night. This shows your spouse that when you're not at work, you're devoted to your home and family. During this time, ignore your phone and leave the BlackBerry in another room. You'll feel closer within days.
Rut #2: Going Too Long Without Sex.
Why it's bad: If the amount of sex you're used to having starts to slide, your body and brain can get used to the decreased intimacy, causing you to go even longer without wanting that closeness.
How to stop: Don't wait until you feel like doing it. Initiate sex when you're open to doing it, rather than when you have the desire. This will jump-start your feelings so you'll crave it more often.
Rut #3: Going a Whole Workday Without Talking to Your Sweetheart.
Why it's bad: You'll start growing apart emotionally after subconsciously feeling like the other person doesn't think about you (and your needs) during the day.
How to stop: Initiate daily contact by sending a quick "How's your day?" email. And make the effort to do something nice every day (pick up his fave dessert, call from the store to see if she needs something). It shows forethought and consideration for your partner's needs.
Rut #4: Tuning Each Other Out.
Why it's bad: You're disengaging from each other.
How to stop: Make an effort to do small things such as kissing before saying good-bye, making eye contact when talking, and complimenting each other frequently throughout the week. Does he not seem to hear you talking during certain times (ahem, when ESPN is on)? Don't try to make conversation while the TV is on. If it's important, press mute; otherwise, save conversations for dinner or your bedroom, where you're less likely to be interrupted.
Rut #5: Not Fighting.
Why it's bad: Disagreements are good in a marriage because you're expressing your individuality. Talking about issues when they first happen makes them easier to fix than if you wait until after they've festered.
How to stop: Bring up what's on your mind in a way that shows your admiration and respect for each other's thoughts and feelings. Like, "It hurts my feelings when ______. I was hoping we could figure out a new way to handle the situation together." This will set the tone of the conversation as loving and calm, but you both have to compromise to keep it that way.
Rut #6: Going out More with Friends Than with Your Spouse.
Why it's bad: It sends the message that your friends are more worthy of your time.
How to stop: Schedule nights out with your crew a few times a month, but make sure to let your partner know in advance. It's important to have these friendships as long as they don't make your married time sparse. And it's always best that these friends are people your partner knows and trusts, so there's less reason to worry.
Rut #7: Being Too Close.
Why it's bad: As much as you think burping, scratching, picking, or farting is funny or cute, it can backfire and cross the line. It may be a reflection of your closeness, but there should be a limit. Otherwise, you're leaving your partner with a very unsexy image of you.
How to stop: Start a new rule. If you wouldn't do it in front of your work friends, don't do it in front of your honey. To get your mate to refrain, say: "I know we're close, and we can share everything, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd leave the room, or leave me out, when you do that. It's not very sexy, and I don't want anything that makes you less sexy to me."
Rut #8: Sharing Too Much with Your Parents or In-laws.
Why it's bad: This shows a lack of loyalty to your spouse. Your parents shouldn't have any information that your spouse doesn't have. And they shouldn't know anything he wouldn't want them to know.
How to stop: Be loyal to your spouse even when she's not present. If you wouldn't say something in front of her, don't say it at all. You would want the same in return.'
-Dr. Susan Fletcher is a licensed psychologist in private practice and the author of Parenting in the Smart Zone:
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articletkt.aspx?cp-documentid=8518886>1=32023
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Widowhood-The End of the Road?
In India, when the husband passes on, the grief is bad enough without having to take on the ghastly customs and rituals to 'honor' the dead.
Even if you don't feel like shrieking and wailing to express your grief, the people gathered around make such a ruckus that the whole atmosphere gets polluted and 'unsacrosanct'(not sure if it's a proper word) not to mention the guilt which surfaces 'cause you're not howling like you're expected to. I tell you, SOCIETY's expectations can kill you! And then they'll howl for you.
Jokes apart, everybody grieves in their own way and time and to expect everyone to respond in a set fashion is being very insensitive and abrasive to the person/s concerned.
I watched in horror, when a few years ago, a lady lost her husband and she had three children ranging from ages 9 to 16 to look after. Her relatives insisted that she remove her nose ring, bangles, wear dreary looking clothes, and was then made to sit at the center of a large group of wailing women. Her husband had gifted her the gold bangles she was wearing, just a few weeks before he died and she just couldn't bring herself to remove them. Rather than being supportive, they insisted that the bangles be removed and someone enthusiastically rushed off to get pliers which were then used to cut them off her wrists. Never have I been more aghast and speechless.
Is observing a 'custom' more important then the feelings of the person concerned? When I voiced my strong criticism subsequently to her family members, I was matter of factly informed that there is no other way and what happened had to be done.
When a man dies, obviously he is not subject to such inhumane practices, 'cause if you've read my previous post, he lives footloose and fancy free even when he's married. See how life is simple when you don't crowd the woman with embellishments when she's married so that she doesn't have to go through the humiliation of being stripped of them when she becomes a widow.
Why is it so important to announce to the world that she's a widow? She's expected to wear white/light colored clothes henceforth. There are some communities in which the widow still has to have her locks shorn off, wear a sheet of cloth draped across her body without a blouse, eat veg(ah, again the veg angle emerges) food, and generally make an effort to look as unappealing and unattractive as possible to the male species lest they devour her! Hello, once again the lopsided logic that a man can't control his libido, so he would lunge at a widow given the slightest opportunity.There is an assumption by SOCIETY that a man lacks basic self control and niceties to exist in a dignified manner and that he would leap towards the nearest person who remotely resembles a woman.
When a man becomes a widower, his appearance and lifestyle remain the same- there are no expectations for him to become celibate, eat veg food, dress in white and so on.
I remember when my father passed on, my relatives insisted that my mother wear white for the various ceremonies around the time of his passing. I don't know where I gathered the strength and courage to tell the young and old fogies that she would NOT do so, as my father would never have wanted her to, being the person that he was. They were scandalized and probably muttered amongst themselves about my being obstinate and disrespectful-but I couldn't have cared less. I got her to wear a saree which my father had gifted her and sat besides her all the while to ensure she wasn't harassed any more. I was then told I can't go to the funeral site as 'women' aren't allowed to. Do I come across as someone who cared about what they said? I had been enormously close to my father and wild horses couldn't have kept me away. Finally, I was 'allowed' to attend the last rites alongwith an aunt as a chaperone.
People, we have to wake up and start treating women as persons, not objects or pawns to shove around at will. And by people I mean both men and women. Yes, there are enough women who commit atrocities against other women.
Even if you don't feel like shrieking and wailing to express your grief, the people gathered around make such a ruckus that the whole atmosphere gets polluted and 'unsacrosanct'(not sure if it's a proper word) not to mention the guilt which surfaces 'cause you're not howling like you're expected to. I tell you, SOCIETY's expectations can kill you! And then they'll howl for you.
Jokes apart, everybody grieves in their own way and time and to expect everyone to respond in a set fashion is being very insensitive and abrasive to the person/s concerned.
I watched in horror, when a few years ago, a lady lost her husband and she had three children ranging from ages 9 to 16 to look after. Her relatives insisted that she remove her nose ring, bangles, wear dreary looking clothes, and was then made to sit at the center of a large group of wailing women. Her husband had gifted her the gold bangles she was wearing, just a few weeks before he died and she just couldn't bring herself to remove them. Rather than being supportive, they insisted that the bangles be removed and someone enthusiastically rushed off to get pliers which were then used to cut them off her wrists. Never have I been more aghast and speechless.
Is observing a 'custom' more important then the feelings of the person concerned? When I voiced my strong criticism subsequently to her family members, I was matter of factly informed that there is no other way and what happened had to be done.
When a man dies, obviously he is not subject to such inhumane practices, 'cause if you've read my previous post, he lives footloose and fancy free even when he's married. See how life is simple when you don't crowd the woman with embellishments when she's married so that she doesn't have to go through the humiliation of being stripped of them when she becomes a widow.
Why is it so important to announce to the world that she's a widow? She's expected to wear white/light colored clothes henceforth. There are some communities in which the widow still has to have her locks shorn off, wear a sheet of cloth draped across her body without a blouse, eat veg(ah, again the veg angle emerges) food, and generally make an effort to look as unappealing and unattractive as possible to the male species lest they devour her! Hello, once again the lopsided logic that a man can't control his libido, so he would lunge at a widow given the slightest opportunity.There is an assumption by SOCIETY that a man lacks basic self control and niceties to exist in a dignified manner and that he would leap towards the nearest person who remotely resembles a woman.
When a man becomes a widower, his appearance and lifestyle remain the same- there are no expectations for him to become celibate, eat veg food, dress in white and so on.
I remember when my father passed on, my relatives insisted that my mother wear white for the various ceremonies around the time of his passing. I don't know where I gathered the strength and courage to tell the young and old fogies that she would NOT do so, as my father would never have wanted her to, being the person that he was. They were scandalized and probably muttered amongst themselves about my being obstinate and disrespectful-but I couldn't have cared less. I got her to wear a saree which my father had gifted her and sat besides her all the while to ensure she wasn't harassed any more. I was then told I can't go to the funeral site as 'women' aren't allowed to. Do I come across as someone who cared about what they said? I had been enormously close to my father and wild horses couldn't have kept me away. Finally, I was 'allowed' to attend the last rites alongwith an aunt as a chaperone.
People, we have to wake up and start treating women as persons, not objects or pawns to shove around at will. And by people I mean both men and women. Yes, there are enough women who commit atrocities against other women.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Footloose and Fancy Free?
I have often pondered over this custom that we have in place in India, where the woman, as soon as she's married, starts exhibiting signs of her new status-such as, wearing sindoor(vermillion), bindi( dot) on the forehead, anklets, brightly colored bangles, toe rings, finger rings, necklaces, fancier clothes, hands and feet adorned with henna and so on and so forth. However the man usually has no external symbol or display to give away the fact that he's got hitched 'officially'. Why is that? If marriagehood is to be announced and celebrated, then why not by both?
The woman's adornments and fancy finery become such a matter of pride and prestige in most households that looking simple and 'unmarried' is sacrilege and considered inauspicious by society. There are women who have seen these customs being observed by other women as they were growing up and so embrace the dressing up wholeheartedly-good for them if that's what makes them happy. And then there are other women-no prizes for guessing which category I belong to!
I have always liked dressing tastefully and in an understated manner(no bells, whistles and christmas lights on me please). I have been reprimanded on a few(make that several) occasions that my dress sense is out of whack and that it is a requirement(once again, SOCIETY) to look like a christmas tree at times, to prove that one lives above the poverty line, so to speak. It's a different matter that the policing and chastising hasn't worked so far and now that I'm heading towards middle age, (or am I already there?) my blatant disregard for what others say and think in such matters is pretty evident by my appearance!
Such a great deal of fuss and bother about how women look, behave and the men go scot free, lucky blokes. It's not just the women who want other women to toe the line (it's like, I'm going through it, so should you!) the men too seem to have an enormous stake in having their spouses look 'married' while they happily pass off as footloose and fancy free. Wonder why? A sense of propriety, ownership, insecurity perhaps towards 'their' women? A visible stamp to assert that she's 'taken'?
I feel that the West is more equitable in this matter. There is a great deal of pride and ceremony attached to the wedding ring which is worn by both women and men. The message being loud and clear-I'm hooked and so are ya! I don't recall seeing any other visible signs of being married, be it woman or man. While I'm fine with the ring bit for both, I'm all for the 'natural' look too-no need for any 'marital' display.
The woman's adornments and fancy finery become such a matter of pride and prestige in most households that looking simple and 'unmarried' is sacrilege and considered inauspicious by society. There are women who have seen these customs being observed by other women as they were growing up and so embrace the dressing up wholeheartedly-good for them if that's what makes them happy. And then there are other women-no prizes for guessing which category I belong to!
I have always liked dressing tastefully and in an understated manner(no bells, whistles and christmas lights on me please). I have been reprimanded on a few(make that several) occasions that my dress sense is out of whack and that it is a requirement(once again, SOCIETY) to look like a christmas tree at times, to prove that one lives above the poverty line, so to speak. It's a different matter that the policing and chastising hasn't worked so far and now that I'm heading towards middle age, (or am I already there?) my blatant disregard for what others say and think in such matters is pretty evident by my appearance!
Such a great deal of fuss and bother about how women look, behave and the men go scot free, lucky blokes. It's not just the women who want other women to toe the line (it's like, I'm going through it, so should you!) the men too seem to have an enormous stake in having their spouses look 'married' while they happily pass off as footloose and fancy free. Wonder why? A sense of propriety, ownership, insecurity perhaps towards 'their' women? A visible stamp to assert that she's 'taken'?
I feel that the West is more equitable in this matter. There is a great deal of pride and ceremony attached to the wedding ring which is worn by both women and men. The message being loud and clear-I'm hooked and so are ya! I don't recall seeing any other visible signs of being married, be it woman or man. While I'm fine with the ring bit for both, I'm all for the 'natural' look too-no need for any 'marital' display.
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